Did I get your attention?  I would assume at least somewhat if you’re reading this.  Now, do you actually think cocaine is currently being stocked on retail store shelves?  I would guess that answer as “no”.  After all, you’re probably not a dumbshit - after all, you have impeccable tastes in blogs ;) .

Unfortunately, the Guardians of our Republic do think we’re dumbshits.  They have forced the makers of Cocaine energy drink to pull their product from the shelves.

Don’t get me wrong - I’m not a big fan of the name.  I think it’s kind of weak to tie your product to something illicit just for cheap shock value.  But did it merit being “warned” by the FDA?  Threats of legal action by Attorneys General?  Said Connecticut AG Richard Blumenthal, “Our goal is to literally flush Cocaine down the drain across the nation”, proving that one does not need to know the meaning of “literally” to pass the Bar exam in Connecticut. (btw, Blumenthal seems to have a nasty habit of skirting the law)

Yours and my tax dollars have funded the time and efforts of a bunch of govt assholes to basically bully a marketing campaign into pulling their product, despite the fact they couldn’t find one law that had been broken!  The best they could come up with is that it “glamourizes cocaine usage”.  Really.  I know young adults are, by definition, stupid, but I find it hard to believe that an energy drink - no matter the name - is going to be a “gateway” to anything more than a couple cavities.  Grand Theft Auto “glamourizes” stealing cars and beating up hookers; yet I haven’t seen an increase in auto theft, and my call girl still looks great!  (Kidding, Mom)

Left alone, Cocaine energy drink sales would have probably emulated its namesake - enjoying a quick high from the marketing buzz, then a nasty come-down once the fad-appeal wore off.  I doubt it would have lasted 3 years.  Now that they’ve changed their name to “Censored” and gained a rebel image, they could do quite well.

I guess to those of you marketing folks out there, watch your ass.  Our country has douchebags in high places… literally.

All the speculation and investigations can finally be dropped:  there is now definitive proof of an Ark on Mount Ararat.  Or, one in progress anyway.  Greenpeace is constructing an Ark there as an appeal to world leaders to combat global warming.

 Said Greenpeace activist Hilal Atici: “Global warming is real.  An impending climate crisis is real.  So we have fired up the chainsaws and are cutting down all these trees to build a boat that will never be used on the top of a mountain to make a statement against the senseless overconsumption that is destroying our Earth!  Oh wait… shit!”

I kid Greenpeace, of course.  This is some very clever marketing in my opinion.  But how sad is it, really, that a valid persuasion tool for world leaders is to appeal to their fundamental belief that a long time ago, some guy built a boat and collected two of every living thing on Earth (except dragons, unicorns, and minotaurs.. they showed up late) so that God could kill off everyone else?  These people run nations!

Yeah, I’m on a “music from my youth” kick.  Get over it!  I realize Mother’s Day was last Sunday (and if you are just realizing this, please record the next conversation with your mom so I can post it), but I had to point out this Sears ad..

(quoted title taken from Sky News article.  Why try to improve upon a title like that?)

German All-Star fussballers Michael Ballack and Oliver Kahn have just won a lawsuit against the country’s largest porn retailer Beate Uhse for marketing two of their new vibrators as the “Ollie K” and “Michael B”.  Personally, I can think of nothing better than Die Frauleinen across Germany screaming my name at the heights of pleasure, but I guess if you get as many women as international footballers do, you get blase’ about it!

While - um, “researching”? - this post I stumbled upon a pretty funny, yet insightful article regarding the sports/sex marketing connection.  We must remember that to most of the rest of the world, soccer is about the equivalent of football, baseball, and basketball combined here (London alone has something like 8 pro teams).  And I am sure that such fanaticism leaves many women feeling a bit neglected by their husbands.  So what better way to get your Missus behind the home team, eh?  Now, on match day, both of you can be screaming, “Come on, England!  Come on, Eng-a-lund!! Hit it, ya wanker!  That’s it!”

Granted, no sport over here is as big.  But I still thing there are some missed opportunities here.  The “Bucking Bronco”?  “The Tennesse Titan”?  “The Houston Pocket Rocket”?  I mean christ, you don’t even have to change the damn team name!

And for us guys, I still think condoms with your team’s colors/emblem is a goldmine.

As we’ve already covered, ad execs are now reaching into the early 80s for music to put to their commercials.  Here’s yet another one - Wendy’s use of the Violent Femmes’ “Blister in the Sun”

It’s the weekend, so let’s just keep it light, have a quick laugh and get out into the sun.  Now I’ve heard of “marketing yourself”, but Air Humping?  “Whassup, ladies.  My name is EnzoDeep, and I’m going to show you how well I can rock yo world.  By fucking an ottoman… in a room full of guys… who are also having sex with various living room accessories.”

I could not stop laughing (combined with fleeting sensations of extreme discomfort, like accidentally seeing your grandma naked.. which happened to me when I was 10.. still haunts me).

You gotta wonder how the dress rehearsal for this went down:

X2C: “So let me get this straight.  Relentless is fucking the ottoman, I’m hittin’-it-then-quittin’-it with the mirror, and Satisfaktion is tappin’ dat closet-door-ass?”

Relentless: “God damn it, X2C!  See? That’s why you should have been at practice on Monday!  You think I call practice just for fuck’s sake?  Wait… I suppose it is for fuck’s sake but you know what I mean!  Pipelayer is hooking up with the ottoman first.  And you are on the closet door.  But you’re not just “tappin’” it.  Make love to the door.  Pipelayer and myself will be fucking the shit out of the ottoman and mirror, so we’re counting on you to be a counterpoint and balance out the scene with some tenderness on that closet.  Got it?!”

Pipelayer:  “Guys…guys, there’s no need for us to get upset.  We’re all going to get to fuck some furniture today, right?”

Relentless:  “You’re right, broheim.  Sorry, X2C.  Tell you what.. let’s tag-team the ottoman at the end.  What’s our motto, guys?

All:  “Bros before lamps-and-couches-and-such!”

I could have fun with that conversation all day.  But let’s turn our attention to space.  Windows Vista and T-Mobile have launched a site called SkySurprise.com to promote their free wi-fi access ..um.. promotion.  ”Manufactured quirky” usually doesn’t work for me, but I have to admit I like their video - let’s do the Cosmonauty!

Air Sex found at Transbuddha

I cannot even imagine how many female scientists were killed by their male colleagues, trying to bring these findings to the public.. but they finally succeeded:  oral sex can cause throat cancer .

 Spottswoode: “I’m HPV free.  Now suck..my..cock!”

Yeah, if you think your partner’s not going down enough now, you haven’t seen nothing yet!  No more “I have a headache”, the new tact will be “Of course I want to, but I don’t want throat cancer.  You do care about my health, don’t you honey??”

But there is hope!.. which will probably amount to the best marketing campaign of all time (see how I did that?  I really just wanted to make some smarmy comments about getting head, but this is a marketing site).  The throat cancer is caused by transmission of the HPV virus:

… a new FDA-approved vaccine, known by its tradename Gardasil, can prevent genital HPV infection..

Gardasil officially takes the place of Viagra as “Most Marketable Product, Ever”.  A retarded chimp could make these ads:  “Want her back on your banana?  Gardasil.” (I would think all ad campaigns written by chimps involve bananas, don’t you think?).

Of course, my choice for campaign spokesman is Spottswoode.

Life imitates marketing. A man on Death Row in Tennessee ordered for his last meal that free vegetarian pizza be delivered to all the local homeless. Why vegetarian, you ask. Said convict Workman, “Cuz I’m the only grilled meat on the menu tonight, bitches!” (Actually, I made that up, but how pimp would it be if he said that? I would totally say that on my way to the chair, between rapidfire bouts of pissing and shitting myself.)

Yep, good ol’ Phillip Workman just had to outdo newly elected Pizza Hut Vice President of Pizza, Nick Mathis (who recently offered up a free slice of pizza to the nation last month). Of course, the prison had to be dicks about it and didn’t honor his request, so the residents of Nashville answered the call, ordering thousands of dollars worth of pizza to be delivered to area homeless shelters.

Workman’s reported last words were: “I’m Phillip Workman, and I am the new Vice President of P-p-p-pizzzzzg-g-gg-g-GGGAAAGGHHH! THE PAAAAIINNN! FFUUCCKK!” (Again, made it up.. but that totally would have won the video submission contest. Hands down!)

Hot stock tip: Invest in German cattle futures. David Hasselhoff is drunk… and eating a Whopper (you have to see this clip)

Someone turned this into a BK commercial, replete with the “man song” theme. Just perfect. Half-naked, eating a cheeseburger off the floor. Fucking classic.

This is so awesome to me. So awesome that I had to honor the Hoff in the proper way: I had some Scotch and got drunk before posting. Yes, got drunk, went to Taco Bell, got a 7-layer burrito (add chicken), drove home (back roads), dropped the burrito in the parking lot, brushed the rubbish off the tortilla (oh hell yes I’m still eating it), walked into my apartment and turned on “Man vs. Wild” at 1:30am (I am watching Bear Grylls eat a rotten zebra and light elephant dung on fire for warmth (oh yeah, he’s a fucking badass) and fired up the laptop (not badass). I’m ready to do this post justice… oh shit! Bear’s run into some angry hippos! Eh, another post…

Being German, I have long had an identity crisis - Germans love David Hasselhoff. And while I have always been amused by his career, I have not shared in that adoration. And then he went and got Totally Fucking Shitfaced . There is no other way to describe it. He’s on a floor, borderline-passout-drunk, eating a cheeseburger while talking to his daughter (original vid). I can now be proud and say, Germans love David Hasselhoff!

Let’s review. First it was Knight Rider. Gay (granted, totally cool when I was 10, but in retrospect, gay). Baywatch. Gay. Whatever the fuck this is. Funny. But Gay. The Hoff has, for most of his career (no matter how entertaining) been gay. He has been this phony tchotchke of culture. (God damn this 7-layer burrito’s good!)

This video finally makes Hasselhoff human. He’s one of us now. ‘Cause we’ve all been there. We’ve all been drunk off our fucking asses, stuffing our faces like it was our last meal on earth. This is his rite-of-passage with the public. He said “Fuck you” to his daughter, for chrissakes! I mean think about it. Have you ever been able to “relate” to David Hasselhoff? Hell no. It’s like he was fiction. But now? “Dude, you completely Hoff’d that Whopper!” “Holy shit, I shouldn’t have had that last shot…I am fucking 3 sheets to the Hoff.” Hell yes. David’s one of us now.

Huh. This post didn’t turn out so bad, considering I’m drunk.. ooh, Hasselpuppets!

Where possible, I try to point out marketing opportunities that are being missed. These opportunities often involve personalities (that could probably be acquired on the cheap) that would make great persons to tie to a product. And yes, the ones I cover will usually be female and hot - I am a man after all, and therefore “thinking for two”. So, to the point: Someone needs to snatch up Wafah Dufour!

This girl got some buzz a couple years ago (for reasons that shall be made known in a minute) but seems to be fading again into obscurity. I just don’t know why - she’s so perfect. She is exotic and absolutely gorgeous. Oh and one other thing - she’s Osama Bin Laden’s niece!

Now hear me out. I know many of you (by “many” I mean “most of my readership”.. and by “most of my readership” I mean “3 of you”) are thinking, “Tie my product to Osama? Are you crazy?!” Yes, but just a little.. and that is beside the point. Wafah is a product of Western culture. I’ve seen her naked in a bathtub (unfortunately, not in person). I’ve seen her making pouty-lipped “fuck me” faces at the camera. She is the anti-Osama! She would rather “serve in capitalist America than rule in Al-Qaeda”. What better way to stick it to fundamentalist Islam than to serve up their kinfolk as masturbatory aides to American teens?

That’s the philosophy of it - but marketing is not about philosophy, it’s about spin. Utilizing her is a move at patriotism. And the gut reaction to her among “patriots” will be negative. But the beauty of it is this: People who respond viscerally to appeals to patriotism are stupid (I defy you to find one bumper sticker saying “These colors don’t run!” in a Mensa Convention parking lot). And stupid people are easily controlled. So, while their initial inner thoughts on Ms. Dufour will be something to the effect of, “Wafah… Bin Laden… bad.. Wafah bad!” (this is an actual transcript of their inner monologue), a proper initial spin launched with her ad campaign would quickly convince them that she is the perfect Osama cockpunch. And anything that Osama doesn’t like must be a weapon against terrorism, right? So, in effect (according to the principles of Hillbilly Logic syllogism) your product, if sponsored by Wafah Dufour, will be fighting terrorism.

Oh, and she’s hot. Did I mention she’s hot? So you’ll appeal to another group of idiots - anyone with a penis that can properly pronounce his s’s… “esses”… “ss”… (how the hell do you pluralize the letter “s”?)