In case you missed it, check out the magically stereotypical and appropriate response of Miss South Carolina on the “Miss US Americans the Iraq no maps and Stuff” Pageant earlier this week.

Do I mention this because I wish to further her humiliation?  No.  Because it’s funny?  No… well, yes.  But that’s only part of it.  No, I bring it up as a reprimand to the pageants themselves.  Miss Fill-in-the-Blank Pageant, you should be ashamed of yourself!  Asking these young women to be cerebral - women who have dedicated their entire lives to mastering “no, this is not a fake smile, I’m genuinely happy!” and “tits and ass-cheek taping” technologies - is nothing less than inhumane!

Get real, guys.  I know there has been outcry in the past to get rid of the evening gown and swimsuit competitions because they are “sexist”.  Well I advocate exactly the opposite - get rid of the Q&A (and maybe the Talent competition as well, unless you narrow it down to things such as “look how flexible I am” and “things I can do with my tongue”).  People are not watching your show to find the next Grace Hopper for chrissakes!  There is a reason there is no “MIT Women’s Doctoral Dissertations Pageant”!  In fact, for the sake of honesty in marketing, you should change the names of your pageants altogether.  “Miss America” should become the “Women You’d Like to Fuck but Not Date” Pageant.  “Miss Universe” should become the “Oh My Gawwwd Miss Brazil is Fucking Smoking!” Pageant* (see pic below).  The Miss Teen USA Pageant would be more aptly named the “Young Women That You’d Like to Fuck but Ssshhh We Can’t Speak of It Because Some of Them Are Illegal, and Yet We’re Parading Them on National TV in Fucking Bathing Suits So We Know You’re Fantasizing About It Right Now.  Don’t Lie.. You Lying Liar.. You’d Totally Hit That!”… Pageant.  As an aside, isn’t it interesting that the TV channel that puts 16-year-old girls in bikinis and has them do a little spin is the same channel that airs “Catch a Predator”?

I can’t stand bullshit (except that special brand where the purveyor of said bullshit knows that the purveyee knows it’s bullshit).  I happen to think most people don’t like being bullshitted.  Miss Whatever Pageants, quit bullshitting us!  You are purveyors of soft porn.  And sometimes “barely or not quite legal” soft porn.  Need proof?  After peaking in the late 80s, TV viewership of all the pageants is in precipitous decline.  Because the women don’t do the Q&A as well as they used to?  No.  Poor selections in eveningwear?  No.  Simple.. we’re all getting our porn elsewhere.  Skinamax…the internet… why would I want my porn punctuated by commercials and Bob Barker when I have all those choices??

So if you guys want to stay in business, you better fucking Know Thyself.  And your audience.  Because asking girls to find America on a map just isn’t gonna cut it anymore.

* I was totally not kidding about Miss Brazil.  Christ on a bike she’s hot!

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