No no no no NO!  NO, Tay!  Check out this ridiculous commercial from Dr. Pepper and "Tay to tha Z".

This commercial just fills my body with rage.  And I even like Dr. Pepper.  Hell, I liked Tay when I saw his original YouTube clip.  Voice is kinda fucked up and the song is repetitive, but he has that underdog geeky charm that makes a person root for him.

Not anymore.  This ad is just terrible in so many ways.  First wrong move:  never, ever spell things with "to tha" in the middle.  Second, never try to pull off the Hef jacket and hot ladies on the arm thing if you look 12 years old.  It just makes you look like a little shit.  Third, if you’re going to try to milk a bit of internet celebrity for all its worth, at least have the decency to switch up the material.  We’re tired of hearing about chocolate rain, Tay!  Tired!  Putting "cherry" on the front doesn’t make it new!

When critiquing an ad, I feel it my responsibility to watch the whole thing before casting judgment.  I cannot tell you how hard that was on this one.  I just wanted to reach through the monitor and choke the little bitch.

Oh, and "Mista Johnson"?  The fact that you rapped about a soft drink officially makes me "harder" and "more street" than you.  And I’m a white guy from the suburbs.  A white guy from the suburbs that has never tried to make a carbonated beverage sound dangerous.  You fucking tool.

So to sum up.  Tay, your 15’s over.  Go away.  Dr. Pepper, I’m switching to Pibb….. oh, and the squirrel getting doused in chocolate?  Brilliant!

While trying to balance your hectic life as wife, mother, and enterprising businesswoman, how do you appease your insatiable appetite for Nando Chicken?  Patches just won’t do!  Try Nando Fix Gum!

This ad is at least 6 months old, but my god is this commercial awesome.  Reason #215 why Aussies are cooler than we are.

What started out as yet another gay attempt at attention-getting by Greenpeace has quickly turned into a bit of an internet sensation.  Go cast a vote for your favorite whale name!

Don’t get me wrong - any frequent AdChops readers (which I believe consists of my mother, a couple friends of mine, and a prisoner serving 30-to-life at Leavenworth… wait, my mom just called..she doesn’t read it) know that conservation of our environment is the cause nearest and dearest to my heart.  But my gawwwwd do my fellow tree-huggers do a bad job of marketing!  They’re always coming across as a bunch of weak, powerless hippies.

So when they sought to draw attention to a current threat to humpback whale populations by having a Whale-naming contest, you can probably imagine the names that were submitted; you know, shit like "Windsong", "Moondream", and a bunch of stuff bylined with "from the word for {fill in hippy-cherished concept: ’song’, ‘love’, ‘freedom’, etc} in ancient {fill in soon-to-be-extinct language spoken by, like, 15 people on Earth}".  Great.. let’s represent endangered species with endangered languages.

But one good name got through: "Mr. Splashy Pants"!  They put it in the final vote "as a joke".  Well, this joke now has 72% of the vote (in a field of 30!), and I’m betting Greenpeace has had more site hits than any time in recent history.

Do you get it yet, Greenpeace?  People, in general, like what you are doing.  The oceans are great.  Humpbacks, great.  We just don’t like hippies.  I know that is probably hard for the 50- and 60-something year old people now running Greenpeace to accept.  "But, the 60s were important, man!  What happened then was special!"  No, the 60s were not especially important.  Taking acid and dancing in mud… not especially important.  So get over it and start marketing for non-"aging hippies".  Mr. Splashy Pants is a good start. :)

Found originally through DHADM

I just love this ad.  What with the writer’s strike and everything, I guess Macy’s just opted to skip on doing anything original, interesting, or compelling, and instead just filled 30 seconds with a bunch of celebrities (in some cases, of questionable talent).

What’s so awesome about this ad though, is just how ridiculously anathema to Jesus this is.  Yes, the ad says the p.c. "holiday season", but luckily I am not worried about bottom lines - this ad, and the entire "holiday season", is about Christmas.  No, I am not biased - I am not a Christian.  Jews are about 1.5% of this entire country.  My group - spiritual but non-religious - about the same.  Kwanzaa?  Well, that was invented by some dude just 40 years ago, so don’t even start with that bullshit.

So, this is the Christmas season.  And what better way for Macy’s to put their best foot forward on the season than by showing a bunch of stars that are mostly likely going to Hell!  We’ve got P-Diddy (or P-Daddy, Puff Daddy.. whatever the fuck the douchebag’s calling himself this week), whose crew goes around shooting people in clubs, Jessica Simpson - who has pretty much built a career on being men’s masturbatory fantasies, Martha Stewart - insider trading ex-con, Emeril the over-rated and gluttonous one-catch-phrase chef, Trump the shameless self-promoter… Let’s see… greed, pride, lust, gluttony, wrath… I don’t think all the cardinal sins are covered, but goddamnit, Macy’s, I’m giving you an "A" for effort!  Good show!  Merry Christmas!

Have a great Turkey Day!

Nothing on the Adscape today, peoples.  But I thought I’d post a couple "food for thought" videos.  Some coworkers and I were discussing having kids this morning (well, not actually having the kids this morning… and not with each other obviously….you know what I meant).  I told him I plan on having 3 or 4, which was a shocker to him.  Seemed like such a big family.  And that illustrates a theory I’ve had for quite awhile - that the human race is getting dumber.  Think about it - I’m 33, good job, believe in proper fitness, educated and all that.  No kids yet.  My coworker is 23ish, so plenty of time there.  Smart, good job, etc.  Three or four kids seems outrageous to him.  Sounds like he’s going for 0-2.  Meanwhile, the lowest socioeconomic classes are popping out babies like there’s no tomorrow.  Smart people are being outbred!

I’ve harbored this notion for quite some time.  And it turns out I’m not the only one.  Check out a great vid from one of my favorite bands - Evolution by Korn.  And then a clip from the movie, Idiocracy, demonstrating the same point.

So, yeah, that’s why I’m having 4 kids.  Hell, maybe even more.  Until sterilization programs* are back in place, the smart people of the world must unite (in the biblical sense)!

Have a good weekend!

*Calm down!  Just temporary sterility.  If you can’t afford to properly raise a child, you shouldn’t be allowed to have one.

Check out this review on Variety.com for Nintendo Wii’s Super Mario Galaxy.  Notice the top right corner…

Yeah.. a review of Nintendo sponsored by Sony!  Now, I think the commenters of the article are a bit off (btw, I highly recommend reading the comments.. some lovely vitriol there) in directing their criticism at the author (or, as called in the comments: "shill", "sell-out", "horrid little twat").  People, this is an author for Variety - a magazine geared at the ignorant fucking masses that actually give two shits about Lohan’s latest drug addictions, how Britney straps her babies into carseats, or the latest name conjugations of celebrity couples ("Bradifer", or "Brangelina", or whatever-the-fuck it is now).  Being as they are catering to the lesser intellects among us, one would expect that they themselves aren’t the sharpest, either.

The real criticism goes to Sony.  Sony makes games and laptops and other smart shit, directed to intelligent (and often, undersexed) people!  Companies selling to smart people are supposed to have ad departments that have been honed to a fine edge by their take-no-prisoners demographic.  They are supposed to be too smart to pull a jackass move like this.

So, to the "horrid little twat" (that’s my favorite!), Ben Fritz:  I’m not hatin’.  You write for Variety;  I’m not expecting much from you.  But shame on you, Sony!

I am very hesitant to ever say the phrase "That is the most {adjective} {noun} I have ever {sensory verb}!!"  You know - "funkiest song I’ve ever heard!!", "hottest girl I’ve ever seen!!", etc.

I don’t even mitigate such sentences with "might" or "could" as a general rule.  But I am telling you right now, this French commercial for Orangina might be the most fucked-up-crazy advertisement I’ve ever seen!!"  (I’m posting this at great risk of becoming the #1 Ad-blog destination for Furries the world over.)

Oh, to have been an anthropomorphized, dancing fig-leaf-wearing fly-on-the-wall when the ad execs pitched this to Orangina:

Ad Exec:  Ok, so we open up in a forest with a doe on a swing, with a tremendous rack.

Client:  Female deer don’t have racks.

AE:  No, I mean tits.  Great tits.

C:  What?  The deer has -?

AE:  - And then this bear takes her Orangina and she, like, falls into these rose petals, just like in American Beauty!

C:  Umm.. o…kay…

AE:  Boom!  We’re now in a forest strip club!  Flamingoes and octopus women are dancing on poles while the bear and his friends look on.  Lap dances ensue.

C:  Wait, what?!  Flamingoes and octopuses are -

AE:  With great tits!

C:  What?

AE:  The flamingo and octopus girls.  They have great tits, too!  In fact, just assume that all the female creatures in this scenario have great tits unless I specify otherwise.  So anyway, the deer does a little burlesque show capped off by that one FlashDance scene where Jennifer Beals does the bucket of water thing.

(one of the female clients gets up and leaves)

Dancing!  General mayhem!  Girl zebras riding Orangina bottles ’til their raw make their caps explode, getting the wet, sticky stuff everywhere!  An octopus-girl squeezes her orangey-tits and looks heavenward in orgasmic delight!

C:  …

AE:  {jazz hands} Orangina! 

C:  Call your coke-dealer.  We’re hitting the strip clubs.

Seriously though, mouth-dropping strangeness aside, it really is a beautifully done advertisement.  The concept is out of this fucking world; the artistry is top-notch.  I will never understand this ad.  But I love it!  And if you, fair visitor, happen to be the creative director behind this gem, I have got to party with your crew some weekend!

And for you loyal readers who indulged me this far, check out the commercial in Hi-Def!

Hoooooooleeeeee Sheeeeaatttt!  Check out this ad for Canada’s Prevent-It PSA Campaign!  Are ya kidding me?  Go, Canada!

I really can’t imagine these ads airing in the States, where a citizen’s proclivity for writing a protest letter to a TV network is directly proportional to their likelihood of speaking in tongues this Sunday.  But my god are they good ads.  For some reason, I can’t help but laugh a little when she gets greased.  Is it just me?

Oh, and why are the people in them speaking with American accents?

Here are two more in the series:  Construction Blast and Ladder Fall.  Sure, lady. It was the ladder’s fault.

I always told the ex-gf when going out drinking with the team after my soccer games that it was to ensure my good health and proper hydration, but she never believed me.  Finally, the evidence is in.

So who’s going to get on this first?  You just know that some brewer is going to start selling beer with "added nutrients for maximum hydration!"

Apparently, someone caught up with Ben Curtis, the "Dude, you’re getting a Dell" guy and found that he is now a waiter at a place called Tortilla Flats in New York.  The campaign was canceled after he was arrested for buying weed.  I’m not sure which is more sad:

1.  That a nationally known commercial actor is now asking whether you would like hot or mild sauce with your chimichanga.

2.  That some reporter actually woke up one morning and thought, "I wonder what the Dell dude is doing nowadays?"…  And then actually followed through with it!  The background research, interview preparation, plane ticket to NY, et ceterahh, et ceterahh.

3.  Or, that I found it worthwhile to cover second-hand.

I found Dell dude and the whole campaign more than a little annoying, but who really pisses me off is Dell.  Dell, you made a casting call for the person that could most convincingly deliver the word "Dude" in a sentence.  Did you not consider the possibility that the winner was a pothead??  It would be like Fox kicking Paris off Simple Life after the sex tape came out.  Did they?  No!  They already knew she was a dirty lil whore (I mean that in a good way)!  Taking it from behind while chatting with friends on the phone is her thing.  People saying "Dude" - well, smoking pot is their thing.

Wise up, Dell.

btw, I went ahead and Google-mapped Tortilla Flats.  Better hurry if you want him to wait on you.  His "band has been given the green light"!