I am so glad someone has started putting these commercials on YouTube (so that I can in turn steal them and put them on my own site).  I’ve wanted to comment on these ever since seeing them months and months ago.  Have a look at an ad for the Jiiiiitterbug!  {stupid music} Jiiiiiitterbug! cell phone for senior citizens.

I’m sure she’d be ok with the regular phone with bigger buttons, but if I gave that 3-button jobby to my grandmother, she would probably beat me with it.  Then toss me the phone and say "Just press the bottom button, dear!  Jiiiitterbug!"

My grandma is closing in on 80, and she seems to be doing just fine on her plain ol’, standard issue "young people’s" model (my quotes, not what she calls it).  I mean, am I the only one that finds this phone and ad a little demeaning?  And I truly love this: they top it off with older folks (a lot of them don’t even look all that old!) in the commercial being stereotypically crotchety.  "And it’s not bogged down with a gazillion features like those other phones!  Finally, a simple, fairly useless phone to match my simple, fairly useless mind!"   I mean, come on!  No one?  I can’t speak for my future, 80-year-old self, but I would be pissed! 

With the artistic help of a friend, I’ve decided to really dispense with the bullshit and bring Jitterbug’s point home to the senior citizenry.  I present you the Jitterbug Adchops model:

Now hurry up and die already!

I am not the first person to have said this, and I will not be the last.  And believe me, I harbor no ill will towards you if you are one of those people I’m about to talk about.  But it behooves me (I love the word "behooves") to hold a mirror up to you, then let you decide for yourself which way to proceed.  So let’s just get it out there:

  If you wear a Bluetooth earpiece, you look like a Complete and Massive Tool.

This is not my opinion.  This not even the opinion of millions.  This is just fact.  There are no exceptions to this rule.  "Oh but mine’s really small and stylish."  No.  It is neither of those things.  And the fact that it’s blinking like you’re bringing in a fucking plane does not help.  "But it is so convenient!  I need it for my work."  Ok, granted.  It may be convenient.  Ripping a huge, pew-shaking fart during a funeral service is also convenient.  But you know what?  I’m going to resist that urge out of a general sense of decorum.

Do I have the right to pass gas during the death of a loved one?  I most certainly do.  I choose not to.  Do you have the right to keep that Bluetooth earpiece in during a day at the ballpark, on a date, or while salsa-dancing (I have seen all of these)?  Of course you do.  I am merely proposing that you give it pause for thought, and choose another way.

Let me return to the "Exceptions" point above.  You may think that you are "pulling off" the look.  Or perhaps you have fooled yourself into the notion, "Well, despite what people say now, they’ll be wearing one in a couple years, which will elevate me to the ranks of ‘cutting edge early adopter".  No.  And no.  No one pulls off the look.  I have included here a picture of what I consider the creme de la creme of female hotness - multiple Asian women in their early 20s.  Human beauty gets no better than this, in my own opinion (yes, this is an opinion.  The fact that you look like a Tool is still fact).  So am I looking at these Bluetoothed beauties and thinking how hot they look rockin’ the earpiece?  No, I’m thinking, "Wow how I’d like to have sex with them, in spite of them looking like complete tools."

And you are probably not as hot as they are.  No, pick any one of the other pictures in this post.  That is what you look like.  Hell, I even included another pic of a girl that’s fairly cute.  Look how ridiculous she looks!  Is this sinking in yet?

As to the other point, about being "the cutting edge early adopter".  Nope.  To the left, please note a cutting edge early adopter of the cell phone.  Pretty retarded, huh?  That’s you, Bluetooth Earpiece Wearer.  This is how the rest of us are looking at you.  Except everything’s happening faster now… it took us 10 years to look back at those phones and say, "Wow!  That was gay!"  We’re more savvy now… we’re calling you gay now.

So again, this is not an angry post. And this is no judgment on who you are during all those times you’re not wearing your earpiece. Hell, my best friend has one (and he’s a good father, good husband.. stand-up guy). And I tell him he looks like a Complete and Massive Tool everytime I see him with it. Which he ignores… which means whenever we’re in public and he has it in, I’m just a couple steps farther from him…probably some subconscious fear that the Toolness can be caught, like an airborne virus.

No, this is not malicious. Merely a PSA - If you own a Bluetooth earpiece and wear it in public, you look like a Complete and Massive Tool.  As I’ve caveated, a select small percentage of you may qualify as Complete and Massive Tools I’d Like to Fuck - or CaMTILFs - but one does not exclude the other (see Diagram 1).

The choice is yours.

Ah, nothing like a little jingoism to help people forget that you are late to the party.  Check out the new "Fritalian ad" from Dunkin Donuts.

So, we have 3 levels of hypocrisy at work here, we’ll call them.. oh I don’t know.. how about "solo", "doppio", and "venti".

Solo:  Dunkin Donuts has always sold coffee, as far as I know.  But until now, that coffee has basically been swill.  And they have been extremely content in serving you that swill.  ‘Cause hey, whatcha gonna do, go somewhere else?… Oh shit!  They’re going somewhere else!  Yes, along come the coffee shops with their expensive coffees and espresso drinks.  And Dunkin Donuts (and McDonald’s, etc) were still content to sell you their swill… until the American public was shirking the swill and drinking lattes and mochas and frappaccinos (sp?) in droves.  So what do ya know!  Dunkin Donuts decides they want to be in the "high-brow, pretentious" coffee market, too!  But let’s make fun of it at the same time!

 Doppio:  Guess what, Dunkin Donuts.  America didn’t invent mochas and lattes.  I know what you’re thinking, DD!  But didn’t America invent everything?  I had to do some Wikipedia research on this, but evidently we didn’t.  So yeah, those pretentious coffeeshops elected to call the drinks by their original names.  I know!  UnAmerican!  But Dunkin’s here to save the day.  Oh, they’ll be happy to profit off these foreign imports, but by God they’re not going to have us speaking no "forin" language like Fritalian {nasal phlegm clearing sound, adjust belt buckle}!  So, gone are those foreign words like mocha and latte, to be replaced with…

Venti: … Mocha and Latte!!  Yep!  I mean, I’m sure they tried a couple more patriotic, home-grown names.  Maybe "Concentrated, Small Shot of Coffee with Milk".  "Milkoffee".  Maybe even "AM Gogo Juice Dairy Blaster" or some shit.  But ya know, "latte" and "mocha" are pretty catchy!  And as it turns out, people’s mouths can form those words.  So despite, all their Fritalian hatin’, they’re drinking a big ol’ Venti helping of the foreign kool-aid.  Oh, and DD.. what exactly is a Tropicana Coolatta?!  My mouth can’t form that word, and my brain doesn’t want to.  And my hand wants to slap you.

Now that I’ve had my rant, I will credit where credit is due.  Some awesome mofo on the ad production team decided to slip a drink onto the menu called the "Himan Plu Cento".  As much as it pains me to say anything good about this stupid fucking commercial, that drink name is absolutely awesome!  If I ever own a coffeeshop, that drink will be on my menu.  If any of you have ideas as to the ingredients, please leave them in the Comments.

Seacrest out.