Ah, nothing like a little jingoism to help people forget that you are late to the party. Check out the new "Fritalian ad" from Dunkin Donuts.
So, we have 3 levels of hypocrisy at work here, we’ll call them.. oh I don’t know.. how about "solo", "doppio", and "venti".
Solo: Dunkin Donuts has always sold coffee, as far as I know. But until now, that coffee has basically been swill. And they have been extremely content in serving you that swill. ‘Cause hey, whatcha gonna do, go somewhere else?… Oh shit! They’re going somewhere else! Yes, along come the coffee shops with their expensive coffees and espresso drinks. And Dunkin Donuts (and McDonald’s, etc) were still content to sell you their swill… until the American public was shirking the swill and drinking lattes and mochas and frappaccinos (sp?) in droves. So what do ya know! Dunkin Donuts decides they want to be in the "high-brow, pretentious" coffee market, too! But let’s make fun of it at the same time!
Doppio: Guess what, Dunkin Donuts. America didn’t invent mochas and lattes. I know what you’re thinking, DD! But didn’t America invent everything? I had to do some Wikipedia research on this, but evidently we didn’t. So yeah, those pretentious coffeeshops elected to call the drinks by their original names. I know! UnAmerican! But Dunkin’s here to save the day. Oh, they’ll be happy to profit off these foreign imports, but by God they’re not going to have us speaking no "forin" language like Fritalian {nasal phlegm clearing sound, adjust belt buckle}! So, gone are those foreign words like mocha and latte, to be replaced with…
Venti: … Mocha and Latte!! Yep! I mean, I’m sure they tried a couple more patriotic, home-grown names. Maybe "Concentrated, Small Shot of Coffee with Milk". "Milkoffee". Maybe even "AM Gogo Juice Dairy Blaster" or some shit. But ya know, "latte" and "mocha" are pretty catchy! And as it turns out, people’s mouths can form those words. So despite, all their Fritalian hatin’, they’re drinking a big ol’ Venti helping of the foreign kool-aid. Oh, and DD.. what exactly is a Tropicana Coolatta?! My mouth can’t form that word, and my brain doesn’t want to. And my hand wants to slap you.
Now that I’ve had my rant, I will credit where credit is due. Some awesome mofo on the ad production team decided to slip a drink onto the menu called the "Himan Plu Cento". As much as it pains me to say anything good about this stupid fucking commercial, that drink name is absolutely awesome! If I ever own a coffeeshop, that drink will be on my menu. If any of you have ideas as to the ingredients, please leave them in the Comments.
Seacrest out.
March 12th, 2008 at 10:42 pm
Himan Plu Cento?!! Must be cherry flavored…ew. Thanks, Justin, I needed that.
March 12th, 2008 at 11:02 pm
Okay- does anyone else hear “hymen” or “placenta” in that drink name?
I also briefly wondered if “human placenta” was the intended phase…it would be more related, although not something I’d want to order… Hymen and placenta both belong to females but probably more exclusive ( a virgin might have a hymen unless she has used tampons or something else that may have broken the membrane,a pregnant woman has a placenta).
About that Coolatta- I’ve seen it made. It has a icy fruit sludge blended with mystery lactose-laced product. I also saw the teenager working at the DD lick his hand after sticking it in the blender jar (sadly, power off. Probably designed by some damn engineer concerned with the lowest common demoninator…) and give it a quick rinse (no soap harmed in the process) under the sink before using the jar/pitcher on the next drink order. I won’t go back until I forget why I stopped going there in the first place.
March 14th, 2008 at 11:31 am
See?! Your example perfectly proves the need for Elitism! Back in the day, this teenager would have never come to existence in the first place. Most likely this kid doesn’t wash his hands after wiping his ass, a wonderful trait he probably learned from his parents, who learned it from theirs. At SOME point in the evolutionary process this genetic line would have been wiped out by dysentery. But noooo, modern medicine has to come in and save these knuckle-draggers!
Gahhh!
March 14th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
I cannot stand it when people do not wash their hands. I also hate the fact that I have to nag several of my friends to wash their hands… It is seriously disgusting and I do not care if they used toilet paper to wipe with… I don’t expect these girls to wipe with their hands but still… How fucking disgusting, the food industry is so untrustworthy!! EAT AT HOME.
March 14th, 2008 at 11:35 pm
I’m with you, Sarah. Every time I go to a restaurant I wonder if I’m going to contract some food-borne illness. It’ s gotten to the point that my friends ask me where we can go ( knowing that I religiously read the local restaurant inspection section of the newspaper) because some places are totally off “my list.” It bothers me, knowing whatever the inspector found wasn’t even close to the true number of violations being committed. For me, it’s kind of like how I feel about government/politicians- you want to be informed, but the more you know the less you can sleep at night. Okay, I do bring my own pen with me to sign receipts at stores and restaurants to avoid touching items soiled by coliform bacteria ( it sounds nicer than ass-germs). And I wear slippers in hotels to avoid touching the carpet with my bare feet- don’t get me started on the blankets and comforters. I love winter because I can wear gloves and not look like a freak. I wipe off the phones and countertops at work with disinfectants. I’ve given hand sanitizer and disposible toilet covers as gifts ( sorta making fun of my issues- I know it’s not normal and there’s medication out there for my OCD- but why would you want to treat it? It’s kinda helpful. I can still leave my house, I hold down a job, I pleasure my husband orally—okay, conditions apply). My husband once bought me a portable UV light as a joke, but I have taken it to hotel rooms to see what organic matter will be exposed. I had to stop bringing it along- life was getting difficult. Is this the OCD forum/blog? Ooops…:)
March 14th, 2008 at 11:48 pm
P.S. Justin, if I may- my own little PSA (not prostate specific antigen): Hand sanitizer is nice but not a substitute for proper handwashing with soap and water using vigorous scrubbing/friction for at least 15 seconds under said running water (ideally warm water). Dry hands by airdryer or single use paper towel in public restrooms, using paper towel to touch door handle (remember disgusting people without concept of contagion now touching same handle?). Once door has been opened, briefly prop door with foot and dispose of towel (I like to free throw paper towel into trash can; determine points and announce loudly).Thanks, Justin- nothin’ but love.
March 15th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
I’m with ya - I haven’t touched the inside of a public restroom door handle in years. Always with the paper towel. Or for those damn restrooms with just the air dryer, I use my shirt or that pneumatic hinge at the top of the door. Yeah, it’s direct contact on the door, but who the hell would open the door via the pneumatic hinge, right?
March 19th, 2008 at 7:50 pm
The irony goes deeper than you seem to realize. The jingle was composed by They Might Be Giants, one of the nerdiest, least jingoistic, and most coffee-addicted bands around. When they played at my college in the late 90’s, one of their major contract riders was that they be plied with Starbucks.
March 20th, 2008 at 10:18 am
Wow, didn’t know that was them. Fitting. I’ve always found their songs to be really fucking annoying… credit to them, they haven’t lost a step!
thanks for the info.
March 24th, 2008 at 7:47 pm
Be nice, Justin. We’re still not sure which member of the band is your real father.
March 24th, 2008 at 7:56 pm
Hey now… I’m the opinionated brat, not my mother. Leave her out of it! :)