Filed under ridiculous
I am not the first person to have said this, and I will not be the last. And believe me, I harbor no ill will towards you if you are one of those people I’m about to talk about. But it behooves me (I love the word "behooves") to hold a mirror up to you, then let you decide for yourself which way to proceed. So let’s just get it out there:
If you wear a Bluetooth earpiece, you look like a Complete and Massive Tool.
This is not my opinion. This not even the opinion of millions. This is just fact. There are no exceptions to this rule. "Oh but mine’s really small and stylish." No. It is neither of those things. And the fact that it’s blinking like you’re bringing in a fucking plane does not help. "But it is so convenient! I need it for my work." Ok, granted. It may be convenient. Ripping a huge, pew-shaking fart during a funeral service is also convenient. But you know what? I’m going to resist that urge out of a general sense of decorum.
Do I have the right to pass gas during the death of a loved one? I most certainly do. I choose not to. Do you have the right to keep that Bluetooth earpiece in during a day at the ballpark, on a date, or while salsa-dancing (I have seen all of these)? Of course you do. I am merely proposing that you give it pause for thought, and choose another way.
Let me return to the "Exceptions" point above. You may think that you are "pulling off" the look. Or perhaps you have fooled yourself into the notion, "Well, despite what people say now, they’ll be wearing one in a couple years, which will elevate me to the ranks of ‘cutting edge early adopter". No. And no. No one pulls off the look. I have included here a picture of what I consider the creme de la creme of female hotness - multiple Asian women in their early 20s. Human beauty gets no better than this, in my own opinion (yes, this is an opinion. The fact that you look like a Tool is still fact). So am I looking at these Bluetoothed beauties and thinking how hot they look rockin’ the earpiece? No, I’m thinking, "Wow how I’d like to have sex with them, in spite of them looking like complete tools."
And you are probably not as hot as they are. No, pick any one of the other pictures in this post. That is what you look like. Hell, I even included another pic of a girl that’s fairly cute. Look how ridiculous she looks! Is this sinking in yet?
As to the other point, about being "the cutting edge early adopter". Nope. To the left, please note a cutting edge early adopter of the cell phone. Pretty retarded, huh? That’s you, Bluetooth Earpiece Wearer. This is how the rest of us are looking at you. Except everything’s happening faster now… it took us 10 years to look back at those phones and say, "Wow! That was gay!" We’re more savvy now… we’re calling you gay now.
So again, this is not an angry post. And this is no judgment on who you are during all those times you’re not wearing your earpiece. Hell, my best friend has one (and he’s a good father, good husband.. stand-up guy). And I tell him he looks like a Complete and Massive Tool everytime I see him with it. Which he ignores… which means whenever we’re in public and he has it in, I’m just a couple steps farther from him…probably some subconscious fear that the Toolness can be caught, like an airborne virus.
No, this is not malicious. Merely a PSA - If you own a Bluetooth earpiece and wear it in public, you look like a Complete and Massive Tool. As I’ve caveated, a select small percentage of you may qualify as Complete and Massive Tools I’d Like to Fuck - or CaMTILFs - but one does not exclude the other (see Diagram 1).
The choice is yours.
March 14th, 2008 at 12:54 pm
You said you want to have sex with those women in spite of their headset modeling. I just want to point out that for it to be in spite of them, you must require them to wear the blutoof while getting rammed in the ass. But then that might make the libido drop, so keep the pills near.
(Blutoof is how certain ethnicities refer to their bluetooth enabled headsets.)
March 14th, 2008 at 9:58 pm
Okay, once again- you delivered, Justin. Now I’m going to have to tell my husband about my crush on you (he already knows about my crush on Angelina Jolie)…oh, and he wears a bluetooth while driving home. I HATE IT but he doesn’t bring it into the house. I don’t care if he has porn in the house but not the bluetooth. It’s just asking too much of our relationship. He looks like an alien tool with it on.
Slightly off topic but “behooves” is a great word and sounds like what it means (like the word “moist”-ha! ‘Couldn’t resist-I know how you love that one). We were talking about great words at lunch today- yeah, dorks, I know, but hot dorks. Pharmaceutical companies really come up with some crappy, confusing names for consumers, with some exceptions like Levitra (sp?). How can you not think of levitation?! And Vermex? (for intestinal parasites) Can you imagine gettin’ that one filled at the pharmacy?
March 15th, 2008 at 12:11 am
I was talking to my mom on my cellphone while parked, waiting outside a store. She said that there was this wild-eyed crazy guy nearby, talking to himself. I asked if he had a Bluetooth- she said, ” I don’t think he has any teeth, but why do you want to know?” This is the same woman who horrified some kid working at Target a few years ago by asking a truly inappropriate (and possible incriminating) question. We were looking for a gift, deciding between a Playstation and Gameboy Advanced. My mom walked up to this guy and asks, “Do you know where I can get an Advanced Playboy?” The kid’s face was sooo red, he appeared very uncomfortable. Well, for the second or so before I burst out laughing at my mom ( I so love her- she couldn’t be any funnier than if she tried). “Mom, I don’t think they sell those here.” She said, “What? What I’d say?” Bonus- she was equally horrified when I explained what she asked the poor (forever scarred) guy.
March 15th, 2008 at 3:32 pm
haha “Advanced Playboy”. That’s what I need.. my masturbatory skills have surpassed “Intermediate Playboy”.
I agree on the drug names. But what I especially love is the music for Cialis (I think it’s Cialis anyway). That one slide guitar part is the perfect sound effect for an erection going soft. I mean come on, Cialis! The guy feels bad enough as it is! Do you have to provide the perfect soundtrack to remind him of his inability to please a woman?!
HOWEVER! I must give massive praise to Cialis in terms of drug efficacy! I do not suffer from E.D., but every so often a girl and I will opt for a sex weekend of heroic proportions that surpasses the bounds of normal male physiology. Cialis rocks tha party that rocks tha party! You should have your hubby “power up” sometime… you’ll be limping to work on Monday!
March 15th, 2008 at 8:42 pm
I think that Cialis is the one that can cause “vision problems” (blindness? No, too poetic)? Of course, it can cause (another word I like- priaprism) a prolonged erection that doesn’t go away on its own. You don’t want to know how it’s (the condition AND the member) treated, seriously. I saw it happen once, (professionally) on an elderly man who was taking several cardiac meds. He wasn’t able to provide consent for the - I guess I’ll call it “release of pressure” so you won’t cringe- procedure, so I had to call his adult son to tell him that dad has a stiffy for several hours and needs intervention to avoid permanent damage. No, of course I used a little more finesse than that. I earned my pay that day.
So, Justin- I don’t think I’ll have hubby give it a try because I’m kinda invested in what he’s got goin’ on already. You be careful, k?
March 16th, 2008 at 11:31 am
oops-misspelled “priapism”.
March 16th, 2008 at 2:40 pm
You have somewhere I could read up on that? I read up on it here http://www.rxlist.com/cgi/generic/cialis_ad.htm, which doesn’t mention vision stuff. But, maybe that site’s not legit.
March 16th, 2008 at 10:25 pm
Go to Cialis.com for side effect info- it mentions a sudden decrease in vision or loss of vision, however, rare. Or were you taking about the stiffy that won’t go away? Many of the drugs used to treat ED (and other guys not named ED, ha!) can cause priapism. I’ve heard some comedians joke that if they had an erection that wouldn’t go away, rather than seek medical attention, they’d call everyone and brag. Sales would plummet (no pun intended) if men really knew how the problem is remedied (and it’s not by getting a lap dance by Carol Burnett dressed as Mama with those rolled-down nylon knee socks—I was trying to think of unsexy things, but I suppose there’s probably a fetish out there for that one).
Have fun, big boy. ;)
March 17th, 2008 at 12:20 am
Funny you should mention the priapism jokes.. http://www.adchops.com/2007/06/06/boost-spokesman-umm-sorry/
Oh, do tell us how it is remedied. I know this is a pretty fucking classy blog, but we’ll make an exception this once.
March 17th, 2008 at 9:25 am
There are a few different ways to attempt treatment, obviously starting with least invasive to oh-my-god-you’re- gonna-do-what?! Some sources state to divert blood flow from the area with use of oral agents (MEDICATIONS, like decongestants, not sweet little Asian nursing students-’threw that one in for you, Justin). The procedure I witnessed involved the urologist ( two male docs at bedside- the look on their faces, it was like their beloved dog died- well, I had to stay composed for the patient) wielding a large needle to aspirate blood from the “Main Vein.” (aka corpora cavernosa) Afterward, (and blood spattering later) compression was applied- and the patient didn’t even get to enjoy having strange hands on his penis.
By the way, we have several nurses from the Philippines at our hospital. Some are my hot friends. Did you know that exporting nurses from the Philippines is big business for their country? One of their biggest exports, last I read.
March 17th, 2008 at 9:58 am
hey- cocaine (not the banned beverage- I read that one on your site- some people have too much time and too little usefulness. They could be, I dunno, saving baby seals or protecting wildlife. I sure feel protected, knowing that I won’t be accidentally spending my money on something that may lead me to believe I’m consuming something illicit or contributing to the glamorization of the drug culture, as I’m not able to think for myself or parent my children. Okay, I’ll find my way back to the train station to find my original thought…) and marijuana (diabetes, spinal cord injuries/lesions, and some cancers as well) have also been known to cause priapism. I just wanted to let you know that I’m not against the ED meds.
Okay- I have to tell you, sometimes I let my kids have an Orangina (I love the bottles’ rounded shape- genius marketing- it only has, like 10% juice or something, but I think of oranges when I pick it up.) But now I’m gonna have trouble drinking it after viewing your Orangina entry.
March 17th, 2008 at 10:05 am
hmmm.. I’m beginning to think everything causes priapism.
Nurse: “Sir, could you tell me what drugs/foods you’ve ingested in the last 12 hours?”
Patient: “Nothing..honest! I had a cold glass of ice water about 3 hrs ago and-”
Nurse: “Aha!”
Let’s do an experiment and see if pics of your hot Philipino coworkers cause priapism. :)
March 17th, 2008 at 10:55 am
HAAAAAA! Medical sources say that the most common age groups for priapism are males aged 5-10 years and 20-50 years old. Okay? Who does that leave out? I have my own ideas why it doesn’t happen commonly in 11-19 guys (exhaustion? Afraid to report? Too busy entertaining condition?) but no ideas for the 60+ category…I mean unless you’re Hugh Heffner.
Okay- just how do you expect me to approach my buddies? “Some strange guy (but smart and funny) I’ve been communicating with over the internet wants to do an experiment with nurses and erections; this would involve digital media and well, I’m not sure who’s gonna be in the control group and whether or not it’s going to be randomized/double blind— I think he did mention something about blindfolds and limitations or was that restraints? So whattdya think-you in?”
March 17th, 2008 at 11:58 am
Well, I’m guessing the 5-10 and 20-50 crowd are the two age groups getting laid.. thus they notice the problem. The 20-50 crowd because they are adults, the 5-10 crowd due to the increasing number of elementary school teachers boinking their students (once I again I will reiterate - Where on Earth were these teachers when I was in elementary school?! What a jip!).
As for your approach.. come on, you’re smart and resourceful. Help a brotha out. ;) I am guilty of being “strange”, but in a kooky-zany-not-sexual-offender type way. You can add that I’m 6′4″ and muscular.. will that help? Oh, and tell them “once you go white, you never go back!” (hmmm… somehow that just doesn’t have the same ring as the original phrasing)
March 17th, 2008 at 6:07 pm
hehehehe..clearly you didn’t go to Catholic school (I did). ‘Explains a lot, eh?
..you really are incorrigible. And maybe not a sex offender. Who knows? I really disliked my husband when we first met. He wanted to walk me and my friend out to my car after being out dancing all night- I refused, but he continued walking with us anyway. I asked how would I know if he wasn’t one of those serial rapists who push women into the trunks of their cars and then leave them in a country ditch only to be found when someone’s dog locates a clump of hair or a tooth? Can you imagine- he even asked me out again. Like I’ve mentioned before, he’s an engineer=irritating perfectionist, but so far- not a serial rapist (or garden-variety, either). Engineers would make their victims fill out a form whilst they got out their graphing calculators and condoms, deciding in which order would be more efficient…get on with it already! Okay, I feel a little guilty (again, Catholic school) for making light of rapists- hopefully you know that I, like most of society, do not find rape acceptable and that it can be an devastating, life-changing event. I just happen to appreciate sarcasm and the macabre. Hence, I enjoy reading your blog.
I will broach the extremely-legitimate-sounding research study and see how many takers you’ve got. Just don’t get the T shirts made yet. (”Once you go Asian, you never go Caucasian” is the shirt one of best guy (Asian) buds got his (white) girlfriend).
March 18th, 2008 at 9:44 am
hehe i feel your pain - I really don’t honor the solemnity of any topic… and if I see someone with a stick up their ass, by GOD I’m gonna twist it!
Wow, your friend’s rhyme is as bad as mine. Difference being, I was kidding, whereas he made a shirt!
Oh, and tell him I have several Asian ex-gfs that would flip that statement around. Yes, I can provide references! ;)
And now, I leave you with my tasteless joke of the day:
Q: How can you tell it’s bedtime at Neverland Ranch?
A: When the big hand touches the little hand.
March 18th, 2008 at 3:08 pm
hahahahaha!!!! You so naughty!
Sorry, Justin, no research participants so far:(
You really have to appreciate how difficult it must’ve been for Masters & Johnson to get legimate study participants (I don’t truly know…I’m just speculating) during that era.
March 18th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
Ok, well just get them reading my blog and I’ll take it from there. ;)