Ah, nothing like a little jingoism to help people forget that you are late to the party.  Check out the new "Fritalian ad" from Dunkin Donuts.

So, we have 3 levels of hypocrisy at work here, we’ll call them.. oh I don’t know.. how about "solo", "doppio", and "venti".

Solo:  Dunkin Donuts has always sold coffee, as far as I know.  But until now, that coffee has basically been swill.  And they have been extremely content in serving you that swill.  ‘Cause hey, whatcha gonna do, go somewhere else?… Oh shit!  They’re going somewhere else!  Yes, along come the coffee shops with their expensive coffees and espresso drinks.  And Dunkin Donuts (and McDonald’s, etc) were still content to sell you their swill… until the American public was shirking the swill and drinking lattes and mochas and frappaccinos (sp?) in droves.  So what do ya know!  Dunkin Donuts decides they want to be in the "high-brow, pretentious" coffee market, too!  But let’s make fun of it at the same time!

 Doppio:  Guess what, Dunkin Donuts.  America didn’t invent mochas and lattes.  I know what you’re thinking, DD!  But didn’t America invent everything?  I had to do some Wikipedia research on this, but evidently we didn’t.  So yeah, those pretentious coffeeshops elected to call the drinks by their original names.  I know!  UnAmerican!  But Dunkin’s here to save the day.  Oh, they’ll be happy to profit off these foreign imports, but by God they’re not going to have us speaking no "forin" language like Fritalian {nasal phlegm clearing sound, adjust belt buckle}!  So, gone are those foreign words like mocha and latte, to be replaced with…

Venti: … Mocha and Latte!!  Yep!  I mean, I’m sure they tried a couple more patriotic, home-grown names.  Maybe "Concentrated, Small Shot of Coffee with Milk".  "Milkoffee".  Maybe even "AM Gogo Juice Dairy Blaster" or some shit.  But ya know, "latte" and "mocha" are pretty catchy!  And as it turns out, people’s mouths can form those words.  So despite, all their Fritalian hatin’, they’re drinking a big ol’ Venti helping of the foreign kool-aid.  Oh, and DD.. what exactly is a Tropicana Coolatta?!  My mouth can’t form that word, and my brain doesn’t want to.  And my hand wants to slap you.

Now that I’ve had my rant, I will credit where credit is due.  Some awesome mofo on the ad production team decided to slip a drink onto the menu called the "Himan Plu Cento".  As much as it pains me to say anything good about this stupid fucking commercial, that drink name is absolutely awesome!  If I ever own a coffeeshop, that drink will be on my menu.  If any of you have ideas as to the ingredients, please leave them in the Comments.

Seacrest out.

Sorry, kids.  Holidays combined with work load at the day job has made me a negligent daddy here as of late.  I’m still a bit busy, but thought I’d post up a quick something to keep Blog Welfare Services from knocking on my door.  This is (I believe) a website for a Brazilian beer called Boa.  It takes a helluva a long time to load, but is kind of funny and more importantly, shows off a new tech that you might see in future ad campaigns - overlaying images on video.  Neat stuff.

Hope to post up some more love in the next few!

Congratulations to Ben Silverman, recently appointed Head of NBC Entertainment.  I just read an Esquire article, wherein Mr. Silverman proceeded to bend over and suck his own dick at every possible opportunity, while disparaging various colleagues.  A couple gems:

Silverman has his enemies, but he attributes his quick ascent at least in part to his wide network of friends. He boasts that he has completely merged his personal and professional lives. "Having relationships with talent is key. I like actors, writers, and directors — they’re people I want to hang out with. They read, they’re cultured, they travel. None of the other network heads do this."  (yes.. they’re busy kicking your ass)

Tonight’s massive schmoozefest is ideally tailored to Silverman… But Ben Silverman is unimpressed. "This is nothing, man… last night…" He’s referring to the private gathering he hosted with some nightclub promoters at a mansion in the Hollywood Hills…The formal party featured bikini-clad girls dancing on rafts in the pool, the Hilton sisters, and a caged white tiger in the entryway. "It was sick," says Silverman, who greeted his six hundred guests in a silver Dolce & Gabbana suit and shut the place down around 5:30 a.m. "You looked around and saw so many beautiful women. But then you looked closer and it’s like, Hey, that’s Molly Sims. See what I mean? Just a totally sick party."

"The industry hasn’t seen an executive like me in a long time," Silverman says. "Traditionally, development executives rise through a specific subsection of the TV business — prime time, network, scripted programming. They’re basically D-girls," he says, using the derogatory industry slang for cute young development execs with little power. "That’s what [ABC Entertainment president] Steve McPherson is, that’s what [Fox Entertainment president] Kevin Reilly is. That’s bad vernacular, but they’re all D-girls."

Contrast this bravado with an article sent to me this morning, how NBC is refunding advertisers for uncharacteristically shitty ratings performance.  Keep in mind that NBC has been sucking the bottom of the big network pond for a little while now, so for them to be sucking in a new, uncharacteristic way, well that’s some tip-top management there!  Good job, Ben. In an environment where industry insiders already expect you to suck, you have over-achieved and found a way that completely caught ‘em all off guard!

Ben, quick tip:  talking the way you talk makes you a fucking dick.  Even if your network was far and away #1, you’re still a dick. So, well done on that one.  However, when you talk the way you talk - what with your "complete merging of personal and professional lives" and your rival "D-girls" - while your network sits in last place, sucking the tail-pipes of the other networks… well, Ben, that just makes you look like a fool and a Schmuck*.

*Shmuck:  That portion of one’s penis which is cut off during circumcision,a Yiddish term.  You’re already a dick, Ben.  And if you don’t fix your shit, be assured they’ll be throwing you away just like your namesake.

A “tip of the hat and wag of the finger” (as Stephen Colbert would say) to Heineken’s new DraughtKeg ad with the robot girl dispensing beer.  First, the accolades:  this commercial has all the right stuff - a nice cold keg of good (well, decent) beer, techno music, eery lighting effects, and a hot robot chick that can turn herself into multiple hot robot chicks… Heineken just did a 30 second trailer for my ideal wedding night!

Which is why I got a bit pissed at Heineken when I got to the liquor store.  Turns out, they are only selling the keg part of the whole robot girl contraption.  This is false advertising!  Heineken, listen up:  send me my self-replicating hot techno robot bride or you’ll be hearing from my lawyers.

In case you missed it, check out the magically stereotypical and appropriate response of Miss South Carolina on the “Miss US Americans the Iraq no maps and Stuff” Pageant earlier this week.

Do I mention this because I wish to further her humiliation?  No.  Because it’s funny?  No… well, yes.  But that’s only part of it.  No, I bring it up as a reprimand to the pageants themselves.  Miss Fill-in-the-Blank Pageant, you should be ashamed of yourself!  Asking these young women to be cerebral - women who have dedicated their entire lives to mastering “no, this is not a fake smile, I’m genuinely happy!” and “tits and ass-cheek taping” technologies - is nothing less than inhumane!

Get real, guys.  I know there has been outcry in the past to get rid of the evening gown and swimsuit competitions because they are “sexist”.  Well I advocate exactly the opposite - get rid of the Q&A (and maybe the Talent competition as well, unless you narrow it down to things such as “look how flexible I am” and “things I can do with my tongue”).  People are not watching your show to find the next Grace Hopper for chrissakes!  There is a reason there is no “MIT Women’s Doctoral Dissertations Pageant”!  In fact, for the sake of honesty in marketing, you should change the names of your pageants altogether.  “Miss America” should become the “Women You’d Like to Fuck but Not Date” Pageant.  “Miss Universe” should become the “Oh My Gawwwd Miss Brazil is Fucking Smoking!” Pageant* (see pic below).  The Miss Teen USA Pageant would be more aptly named the “Young Women That You’d Like to Fuck but Ssshhh We Can’t Speak of It Because Some of Them Are Illegal, and Yet We’re Parading Them on National TV in Fucking Bathing Suits So We Know You’re Fantasizing About It Right Now.  Don’t Lie.. You Lying Liar.. You’d Totally Hit That!”… Pageant.  As an aside, isn’t it interesting that the TV channel that puts 16-year-old girls in bikinis and has them do a little spin is the same channel that airs “Catch a Predator”?

I can’t stand bullshit (except that special brand where the purveyor of said bullshit knows that the purveyee knows it’s bullshit).  I happen to think most people don’t like being bullshitted.  Miss Whatever Pageants, quit bullshitting us!  You are purveyors of soft porn.  And sometimes “barely or not quite legal” soft porn.  Need proof?  After peaking in the late 80s, TV viewership of all the pageants is in precipitous decline.  Because the women don’t do the Q&A as well as they used to?  No.  Poor selections in eveningwear?  No.  Simple.. we’re all getting our porn elsewhere.  Skinamax…the internet… why would I want my porn punctuated by commercials and Bob Barker when I have all those choices??

So if you guys want to stay in business, you better fucking Know Thyself.  And your audience.  Because asking girls to find America on a map just isn’t gonna cut it anymore.

* I was totally not kidding about Miss Brazil.  Christ on a bike she’s hot!

Sorry, kids.  This work week’s been a bit taxing so I haven’t been able to give Adchops the love.  But here’s a vid that’s hopefully worth the wait and will get you pumped for your weekend (for those of you with a pulse, that is) - it’s Rabbit in the Moon’s remix of Bowie’s “Let’s Dance”.

The song isn’t really exploring any new boundaries musically - it’s kind of a Bowie/Rage Against The Machine/early Depeche Mode/Prodigy electro-industrial mashup (yeah, that commenter is me.. I’m not plagiarizing!).  But my god does it get your blood going!

Why am I posting this on Adchops, you ask?  Well, there is one novelty to it - electronica propaganda (propaganda, marketing…same diff).  Unlike rock n roll which is saturated with “message music”, electronic music has pretty much stayed out of the fray.  You’ve got your house music that’s meant to get you in a happy, party mood.  Trance is your “take some drugs and feeeel the music” music.  Industrial and much of techno are your “I am reeeeally pissed right now, but I am still going to dance!” music.  But not much has been done along the lines of social or political commentary.

Rabbit in the Moon is definitely bringing it, as you can see in the vid.  They’ve long been known for their spectacle, so I suppose this is to be expected in their evolution.  Ok, enough of my yammering.. enjoy the vid!

Oh, and their site kicks a lot of ass too! 

Yep, another off-topic post.  But Adchops’s friends over at Scene Stealers are going to be on a new show on VH1 called World Series of Pop Culture, so I just had to shamelessly promote them.  Evidently, it’s a quiz show about how well you know pop culture trivia, which means I would totally suck at it.  For you see, I don’t fill my brain with useless trivia.  No, no.  I fill mine with useful things… like alcohol… and porn.

Be sure to check out the show, and I promise to resume markety/advertisey type stuff tomorrow.

The 7-11 convenience store chain has a neat cross-promotional with The Simpsons right now - for the month of July, select locations have been turned into “Kwik-E-Marts” from the show.

We can only wait and see on how well it’s executed, but it’s a very cool idea in concept.  We truly are in a time of massive cross-pollination between media forms and marketing styles; this is yet another testament to the new Gestalt - in this case, a parody of a parody!

They’re really going all out.  Not just renaming products (Slurpees will, for the month of July, be labeled as Squishees), but contracting suppliers to actually create products from the show: Malt-O-Meal has created a new product to don the label “Krusty-O’s”.

The advertising concept is called reverse product placement (I’m sure the exec who came up with that term is verrrry proud of himself).  Instead of a real product being placed in movies, songs, etc., an initially fictional product uses its media familiarity to make the jump into reality.

Not content to just bring fiction into reality, they’re going the other way as well (lots of “going both ways” lately, huh?), with their “Get Animated” campaign.  Through their Slurpee.com website, you can be registered to win various prizes, the grand prize being a guest spot on the a Simpsons episode.

For those of you reading this who are in one of the selected cities, please visit your local Kwik-E-Mart give us your thoughts on it!

I’m digging on the new series of spots by Burger King for their Western Whopper.  Here’s the “sorority blondes” one.

Burger King has just been rockin’ it for a couple years now with their advertising.  McDonald’s goes for gay-ass family-oriented stuff that is utterly tame - I’m trying to think of a McDonald’s spot right now and can’t come up with even one.  They are that forgettable.  Well, I guess they have the clown, but he’s just fucking creepy.  Does anyone else get a “pedophile vibe” from Ronald McDonald?  I expect Chris Hansen to walk in on those commercials at any moment.

Anyway, for awhile BK was lock-step with them - but then came The King!  He is one weird fucking dude, and the commercials have revolved around that weirdness.  And people love weird (well, I do, anyway).  The King, breaking tackles and rushing for the end zone.  The King, laying in your bed when you wake up, handing you a whopper.  The King, dancing a jig as people all over the country start growing handlebar moustaches.  Weird is good.  And memorable.  Stick with the King, BK!  I’m lovin’ it!  Umm, I mean..

Thanks (again!) to Stuart for sending the vid.

A man is suing Novartis AG - the makers of the meal replacement beverage, Boost Plus - for giving him an erection that wouldn’t go down.  The CEO of Novartis could not immediately be reached for comment, as he was too busy tap-dancing and shouting with childish glee through the halls of their corporate headquarters.

Said Novartis’s new spokesman, ‘Bob’: “We are truly shocked and sorry that our inexpensive, nutritious beverage has been found to cause rock hard, long-lasting erections.  With all the money and research that has gone into prescription drugs such as Viagra, how could we have possibly predicted that we had made a drink that, at a fraction of the cost of Viagra and availabe without a prescription, could lead to massive hard-ons that can go all night?  Trust me when I say that an investigation has been initiated to determine exactly where we took such a wrong turn that I must stand humbly before you today and admit that, for $1.99 at your grocery store down the street, you can purchase a low-calorie drink that tastes like chocolate milk, is highly nutritious, and will leave your wife or girlfriend screaming in delight and begging for mercy.”

Sometimes, figuring out how to market a product is a near-impossible task, full of meetings, focus group studies, powerpoint slides, conference calls, cocaine-fueled afterhours parties with the strippers you and the client met that night… Excel spreadsheets.  And then other times, the marketing just pops into your lap.  So to speak.  So to the R&D department at Novartis: Well done, mates.  Well done.