Just awesome.  Deciding to dress up in cardboard helmets and red capes, then hold the line against an oncoming bus… if that’s not a stroke of genius then I don’t know what is.

I mean, look at the ridiculousness from whence she came.  I thought it was a joke at first.  I sooo want that music for my ringtone.

In case you missed it, check out the magically stereotypical and appropriate response of Miss South Carolina on the “Miss US Americans the Iraq no maps and Stuff” Pageant earlier this week.

Do I mention this because I wish to further her humiliation?  No.  Because it’s funny?  No… well, yes.  But that’s only part of it.  No, I bring it up as a reprimand to the pageants themselves.  Miss Fill-in-the-Blank Pageant, you should be ashamed of yourself!  Asking these young women to be cerebral - women who have dedicated their entire lives to mastering “no, this is not a fake smile, I’m genuinely happy!” and “tits and ass-cheek taping” technologies - is nothing less than inhumane!

Get real, guys.  I know there has been outcry in the past to get rid of the evening gown and swimsuit competitions because they are “sexist”.  Well I advocate exactly the opposite - get rid of the Q&A (and maybe the Talent competition as well, unless you narrow it down to things such as “look how flexible I am” and “things I can do with my tongue”).  People are not watching your show to find the next Grace Hopper for chrissakes!  There is a reason there is no “MIT Women’s Doctoral Dissertations Pageant”!  In fact, for the sake of honesty in marketing, you should change the names of your pageants altogether.  “Miss America” should become the “Women You’d Like to Fuck but Not Date” Pageant.  “Miss Universe” should become the “Oh My Gawwwd Miss Brazil is Fucking Smoking!” Pageant* (see pic below).  The Miss Teen USA Pageant would be more aptly named the “Young Women That You’d Like to Fuck but Ssshhh We Can’t Speak of It Because Some of Them Are Illegal, and Yet We’re Parading Them on National TV in Fucking Bathing Suits So We Know You’re Fantasizing About It Right Now.  Don’t Lie.. You Lying Liar.. You’d Totally Hit That!”… Pageant.  As an aside, isn’t it interesting that the TV channel that puts 16-year-old girls in bikinis and has them do a little spin is the same channel that airs “Catch a Predator”?

I can’t stand bullshit (except that special brand where the purveyor of said bullshit knows that the purveyee knows it’s bullshit).  I happen to think most people don’t like being bullshitted.  Miss Whatever Pageants, quit bullshitting us!  You are purveyors of soft porn.  And sometimes “barely or not quite legal” soft porn.  Need proof?  After peaking in the late 80s, TV viewership of all the pageants is in precipitous decline.  Because the women don’t do the Q&A as well as they used to?  No.  Poor selections in eveningwear?  No.  Simple.. we’re all getting our porn elsewhere.  Skinamax…the internet… why would I want my porn punctuated by commercials and Bob Barker when I have all those choices??

So if you guys want to stay in business, you better fucking Know Thyself.  And your audience.  Because asking girls to find America on a map just isn’t gonna cut it anymore.

* I was totally not kidding about Miss Brazil.  Christ on a bike she’s hot!

Okay, so you’re an Islamic rebel group and want to endear yourself with the non-Islamic world. Hmm.. tough crowd. But picking the right acronym is certainly a great start! I was listening to NPR this morning and heard a story on what is now my favorite rebel group - the Moro Islamic Liberation Front.   That’s right, the MILF!  Now there’s a group I can get behind! *

I was laughing out loud in my car on this one.  News anchors will generally turn the acronym for a group into its own word for brevity’s sake, as opposed to spelling out the letters.  But not this morning.  No, the newsman was careful to call them the “M”-”I”-”L”-”F” throughout the segment.  I can only hope that thousands of people like me (you know, that “smart enough to listen to NPR but still really fucking immature” demographic) were laughing simultaneously this morning as our esteemed anchor recounted the latest MILF headlines.  If I find the clip in the NPR archives, I’ll post it.  In the meantime, we can at least have some fun with the Yahoo article I found.  Evidently, the MILF has “waged a decades-long insurgency in the south Philippines.”  Awesome, because the “naughty nurse” role-play routine was getting a bit stale!

“The 12,000-strong MILF said late last year that the talks were on the brink of collapse over its demands for economic control..”  Which translates to “withholding sex because we won’t buy them that new outfit they saw last week”.

“Last month, MILF guerrillas backed by members of the..”  Stop.  You had me at “MILF guerillas”!  Hottt!

“The MILF has admitted it was behind the ambush but said it only launched the attack because the military had crossed into its territory.” … and because they didn’t appreciate the “baby weight” comment.

* Note to Bush’s Domestic Surveillance Program - I don’t actually support this group. Please don’t put me on your Terrorist Watch list.

Pretty simple concept, but pretty damned funny anyway.. here’s a recent ad for PostBank. 

I think it came out about 8 months ago actually, but I’m sure most of you haven’t seen it yet if you’re a fellow Yank.  Given the subprimes and derivatives mess we’re in, it’s oh so a-propos!

Nothing to do with marketing, but jesus it’s funny.  Had to share it.  FEAR the Gay Chicken!

Thanks to John for the find.

Either this ad just hit the KC market within the last few weeks, or I really need to start being a good little consumer and watch more TV.  Check out the “Dirty-mouthed cheaters” ad for Orbit gum (thanks for being on this a full 3 months ago, Dhadm!)

I have to agree with DS, the way the homewrecker says “lint licker” in that backwoodsy, southern drawl is just hilarious to me for some reason.

This campaign is a real credit to Orbit.  As I’ve stated before, there are ads that are “on message” and ads that are entertaining or captivating, but nailing both of them in one spot can be tough.  Orbit’s on the money with funny, quirky ads that nevertheless remind us to keep a clean mouth.  Fabulous!  Which reminds me, am I the only one that finds the “fabulous”-girl totally smoking?

Awhile back, a Belgian senate candidate named Tania Derveaux caused quite a media stir by making a campaign promise: she was going to give 40,000 blowjobs to random men who signed up at her website.

Well, like most campaign promises of politicians, she didn’t deliver (why yes, I did sign up).  However, it did get me on the Derveaux mailing list, where I found out about her latest project, called Intellectual Porn.  The byline is “a movie about love, friendship, and other deep shit”.  Awesome.

More from the site:

IP will be a revolutionary cinematic experience. It will be real porn of an intellectual and profoundly meaningful level. It will break all porn taboos and make porn accessible to family audiences.

IP will do to porn what The Matrix did to action movies. And the whole movie will be free for everyone to download.

“Porn accessible to family audiences.”  Have I mentioned I’m totally in love with this chick? 

Anyway, there’s an open casting call for her IP partner.  And after looking at the submissions so far, I gotta say, the field’s wide open.  There was only one submission that was remotely good, but not for the intended reasons.  Be sure to pay attention to the 1:11 mark.  “Ooh, Tania, look at zis body.  I’m going to make sweet, sweet - Mommm!”

Business and marketing is all about playing to your strengths, and only to your strengths.  Check out this vid of some French Canadian coalition forces in Afghanistan using a French-made rocket launcher.

French people: unlike many Americans, I like you.  You’re sophisticated, stylish, your women have accents that drive me crazy, and you top it all off with this sardonic elitism that - while offensive to many - I fucking love!  But let’s sort out our roles here.  Your exports are ennui, chic, parfums, and cheeses.  Our exports are bravado, ill-conceived nation-building plans, jobs, and kickass weaponry.  Got it?  Now get it sorted before you get someone killed.

Introducing the new Washlet ass-washing system by Toto. Is this what they meant by “missing the rains down in Africa?”

Something similar to the above is actually running in Times Square right now.  Kickass! (I honestly didn’t mean that pun)

What is a Washlet, you ask?  As far as I can tell, it’s a modernized bidet.  It shoots a “warm, aerated jet” of water at your ass.  I can’t imagine myself using that functionality, but I guess they’ve sold 17 million worldwide, so someone likes it.  Oh wait a sec.. I’m just now reading that it will also shoot a gentle jet of water onto “external genitalia”.  Sign me up!!  Hell, this is how they should be selling it!  “The Washlet shoots a warm, massaging stream of water on your balls or clit, taking #2’s to amazing new heights of pleasure.  Be sure to try out our “vibrating tongue” model! … oh yeah, and it’ll wash your ass if you want.”  Christ, Toto, give me a call.  I’ll have your product flying off the shelves!

I’m not sure yet what to make of the ad campaign.  I mean, there is no better way to get people’s attention than to show two-story tall asses in Times Square, so they’ve definitely got the attention-getting aspect down.  But smiley-faces?  Is that the best they could do?  Put smiley faces on people’s asses?  It just looks weird.  Doesn’t the ass crack running through the smile kinda look like a cleft lip?  And then the bottom of the ass-cheeks are like some strange below-the-mouth handlebar moustache.  Maybe they could team up with BK’s awesome new moustache campaign and do some cross promotions.  “BK and Washlet - we’ve got you covered from end to end!”

I love the site though.  You’re greeted by a quick montage of asses, along the lines of a video slot machine or Press Your Luck.  “Big asses!  Big asses!  No whammies!  STOP!”  Then comes the meet-and-greet with the asses’ owners.  And boy are they happy to meet you!  By far my favorite is fifth from the left (not in terms of asses, mind you), with his “How ya doin’?”  Just the way he says it, like “How ya doin?  Dja see my ass just now?  Yeah?  Cool.”

Then you have the Questions section, with such gems as “Does anything touch me?  I mean, I’m a Christian!” (ok, I added a bit to that), “Can the seat get so hot it can burn me?”, “Is the Washlet okay if you have hemorrhoids?”, and my personal favorite, “Where did the Washlet come from?”  Well, in 1949 an alien craft crashed near Roswell, NM.  The government quickly dismissed it as a “weather balloon”, but soon after, ex-employees of the nearby Area 51 reported strange objects on the base’s toilets, with ass-cleaning technology that was “out-of-this-world”.

I’m getting really fucking long-winded here - I apologize.  And I’m sure I could go on and on, but you lucked out - the site seems to be malfunctioning right now and I can’t see the flash content.  Perhaps the site’s just too busy at the moment…  You want this joke or shall I take it?… yes, their asses are getting pounded!  So I’ll wrap this up by sharing something I learned from the site: the rather degrading international symbol for “old people” (see right).  Fantasstic!