Nothing on the Adscape today, peoples.  But I thought I’d post a couple "food for thought" videos.  Some coworkers and I were discussing having kids this morning (well, not actually having the kids this morning… and not with each other obviously….you know what I meant).  I told him I plan on having 3 or 4, which was a shocker to him.  Seemed like such a big family.  And that illustrates a theory I’ve had for quite awhile - that the human race is getting dumber.  Think about it - I’m 33, good job, believe in proper fitness, educated and all that.  No kids yet.  My coworker is 23ish, so plenty of time there.  Smart, good job, etc.  Three or four kids seems outrageous to him.  Sounds like he’s going for 0-2.  Meanwhile, the lowest socioeconomic classes are popping out babies like there’s no tomorrow.  Smart people are being outbred!

I’ve harbored this notion for quite some time.  And it turns out I’m not the only one.  Check out a great vid from one of my favorite bands - Evolution by Korn.  And then a clip from the movie, Idiocracy, demonstrating the same point.

So, yeah, that’s why I’m having 4 kids.  Hell, maybe even more.  Until sterilization programs* are back in place, the smart people of the world must unite (in the biblical sense)!

Have a good weekend!

*Calm down!  Just temporary sterility.  If you can’t afford to properly raise a child, you shouldn’t be allowed to have one.

Feb 2008 update! Due to the overwhelming popularity of this article, and the current war being waged in the Comments section, be sure to check out the follow-up article after reading this.

I had to work pretty late last night, which means I didn’t make it to the gym until 10 and found myself eating dinner at 11:30.  Since my cooking is an Abomination to the LORD (along with gays and shrimp) and Kansas City pretty much closes down at 10, I was forced to eat dinner at the bar & grill across the street.  Little did I know that, much like Tom Hanks in DaVinci Code or anyone cornered by Tom Cruise for “a couple seconds”, I was to be plunged into the world of the occult (well, I did play some D & D in high school… yeah I said it.  What of it, bitch?!  You wanna go?! :) ).

Wednesday nights are usually dead at this bar, having only a light smattering of alcoholics, under-sexed desperate divorcees, off-the-clock bar staff, and people stuck eating bar food for dinner at 11:30.  Not last night!  I walk in to see 150 people in the bar, the vaaast majority being women around 40.  It was as if Axe Body Spray was shooting a new ad, but the casting director had misread his directives:  “Ohhhh!  Get women ‘around 20′!  I thought that was a ‘4′!  I mean look at it.  Doesn’t that look like a ‘4′?  Anyone?”

Anyway, I’m putting on my pith helmet, camouflage vest - you know, Cougar  Hunting gear - when I start to realize a low-droned, jingling hum underpinning the normal bar sounds.  I looked closer at these women - they were all wearing gaudy, cheap silvery bracelets, earrings, necklaces and the like.  I’m not talking one bracelet and some smart-looking earrings.  No, no - long, dangly fucking things hanging from their ears and 3-6 bracelets on an arm.  They looked like that one dude from Kung Fu Hustle that fought with the iron rings.  “What the hell is going on here?” I’m thinking to myself.  Seeing the look of confusion on my face, one of the waitresses informs me, “Silpada Convention this weekend.”

Ah, yes!  Silpada!  Various women in my family have told me of this - my mother, a couple aunts - they have all been accosted at one point by some silver-clad zealot, handed a brochure, and advised, “Oh you simply must come to my next Silpada Party!”  Aunts, Mom:  Stay strong!

From what I can tell, Silpada is some sort of cult for sex-starved women in their late-20s to mid-40s (the bell curve peaks closer to the latter) whose dreams and aspirations died long ago… withering away in their gated-community, cookie cutter homes… driven from their souls by their fold-down-seat-grocery-storage minivan with the “beeping-shit” feature that warns of the neighbor kid’s battery-powered tricycle left in the road.  This emptiness has left them broken down and seeking out one another in order that they my find solace and seek out new initiates via the selling of crappy, overpriced trinkets.  Think Tupperware-Party-Meets-Freemasons.

Oh sure, it started out with just a couple room mothers looking for a little extra cash.  It started out as “A Fun Ladies’ Night out Playing Dress-up with Jewelry”™ (do not use this catchy phrase in your own ad campaign.  It is trademarked!).  But then, says the Illustrious Leaders, “we each [started taking] $25 from our grocery fund and pursued our passion for Sterling Silver Jewelry”.  The higher truths of sterling silver jewelry took the place of food, and a New Religion was born!

Based in Lenexa, KS (just a few miles from my home!!!), it quickly spread nationwide, via the standard Housewife Comm-Ops channels and frequencies (The View, The Tony Danza Show, et al).  And now we have come to this - national conventions centered on silver fucking trinkets! 

Not scared?  Well have a look at this video from their site.  Allow me to quote from one of its testimonials:

It’s “Silpada-ish”, I don’t know! I can’t explain it. You can’t put a name to it. It’s just.. a feeling. It’s there and you want it! Why would you not want to do this?!

Do you see?  Do you see!  “Silpada-ish”  - self-referencing circular logic: the hallmark of any cult/religion.  Synaptic breaks that diminish her ability to put words to thoughts in a way normal people can understand.  “It’s there and you want it” - a crack-like addiction.  She has to have it.  The mouse simply must pull the lever one more time.  Guys, if you’re not scared shitless, then you’re not paying attention!

If one of your loved ones expresses interest in a Silpada Party, pay close attention, for there is still time.  Direct your loved one’s interests into something that provides social interaction, but (here’s the important part) has value.  My mom will be the first to admit that she flirted with the dangers of Tupperware a bit back in the day, but resisted the seductive pull of Uselessness and ended up working with blind children.  Remember, your wife doesn’t want to be stuck with your bratty kids all day.  She wants to contribute to the greater society.  Your wife has been your rock of support - be hers now!  Don’t let Silpada get her, lest you be stuck spooning against the cold metal of a silpada necklace for the rest of your years.

If your loved one attends her first Silpada Party, things become serious.  But there is still time.  She is now a “halfling”.  Listen carefully:  you must now offend the local cult priestess (this will usually be the one that hosted the party, but if someone else in the cult is wearing more bracelets and has a short, styled-and-highlighted hair cut, she could be the actual leader.  Best to insult them both).  This will start an Indignant Gossip Chain - “Can you believe her husband?  The nerve!  You know, if she married him then what does that say about her?”  This IGC will send shockwaves through the Silpada Hive, resulting in the ostracization and expulsion of your loved one.  This will be hard on her;  this is “tough love”.  She will thank you for it in the end.

You must prevent her from attending her second Party.  After two parties, she’s in.  It’s over.  She is destined to become a silver-and-turquoise-bejangled, loud, obnoxious, gossipy drain on our society that undertips her waitress.  All her energies that could have achieved such noble aims, will now be funneled toward selling shit jewelry that my Grandmother wouldn’t be caught dead in.  You will have to scurry your children out of the house so that your living room may host your own Silpada Parties, voraciously devouring the souls of new, hapless initiates through the visages of ambrosia salad, deviled eggs, and “A Fun Ladies’ Night out Playing Dress-up with Jewelry!”™.

The only way to stop her at this point is with a silver bullet.  You must steal one of her bracelets and melt it into a bullet.  Do not use a gun!  The silver is of such poor quality, it will jam your gun and backfire.  No, you must just throw the bullet at her.

Good luck.. and God Speed. 

I really don’t know what to make of this video at GoAwayParis.com.  It could be that one day, this guy decided, “Wow, sure seems a lot of people can’t stand Paris Hilton.  What a ridiculous thing to spend one’s time dwelling on.  I bet I can take a piss and make a fortune by starting a ‘campaign’, making a video, and selling these idiots cheap stickers and t-shirts!”  Roll cameras!

Alternatively, this guy could be one of the fucking idiots using up all his activist points in this bullshit endeavor.  He’s either a brilliant opportunist parting fools from their money, or he is kind of a douche.

Cast your vote in Comments section!  As for me, the black stocking cap and general gravitas of the song is tilting my vote toward “douche”.

Thanks to Cindy for the link.

This is a slight diversion from normal Adchops fare, but sometimes I read something interesting enough that I feel the need to share it.  Men’s Health online currently has a very good article about desire and pleasure, called The Addicted Man.

In a way, it really does apply to the advertising world.  There’s of course the obvious correlation - advertising is all about creating desire - manufacturing want.  But it’s deeper than that.  Advertising folks aren’t like accountants.  The goals of marketing campaigns bleed over into the lives of their creators.  Yes, advertising certainly has its element of self-important douchebaggery, but the industry certainly does have its sex appeal.  It’s a fast-paced, keep-up-with-what’s-new industry that often calls to a certain element attracted to that lifestyle.  More than once I’ve been asked to come out with clients to show them the local sites; by the end of the night, “local sites” invariably ended up meaning Candy’s tits and ass in your face at a local strip club.  Advertising can be a sexy, hedonistic, depraved world.  And I loved every minute of it. :)

We are all addicted.  Don’t think that because you are not drinking at 10am or doing rails of blow off a stripper’s ass, you are entitled to judge.  Sitting down in front of a TV every night is addiction.  Eating another Big Mac when your fat ass is already 30 pounds overweight is an addiction. Nightly Bible Study? Addiction.  The Addicted Man is a well-written, insightful article into what makes us all tick.

“May the Lord bless and keep the marketing team of Eclipse gum, forever and ever.. amen!”

Why do I love Eclipse gum so much?  Because they just went bi- !

Let me explain.  I love bisexual women.  If you are male, I realize this is like saying “I like food”.  But I take it a step further.  I will only date bisexual women.  I will one day only marry bisexual women.

This preference obviously limits my dating pool.  That’s where this commercial comes in.  Ads are not just a reflection of our culture - they steer it.  And I’m not talking just catch phrases (I still here dumbfucks using “Whasssaaaaap!”).  Starting  1 1/2 - 2 years ago, ad campaigns for all kinds of products started showing unattractive men married to good-looking women (don’t believe me?  Pay attention for the next couple weeks - it’s a conspiracy I tell ya!).  Not insanely hot women, but certainly way out of the guys’ leagues.  Well, I’ve seen a noticeable upswing of “unbalanced” couples (this was a very scientific study) in public.  It’s as if the commercials have sanctioned women dating down physically.  I am not the only one to have noticed this - my ex-gf was always commenting on it. (I’d be interested to know if any of you have noticed this where you live)

And now we have the Eclipse commercial.  Girl eyes another girl’s guy.  Girl goes over and kisses guy.  Girlfriend turns to confront girl, realizes girl is hot and has naughty thought.  Fill-in-your-own-denouement! 

Ladies, you are once again being courted.  First, it was by the “date down” movement.  And now, to “explore your feelings” toward your fellow women.  And this commercial is soooo perfect as the opening salvo.  Like a first-timer in a threesome, it’s all about making her feel comfortable.  In this case, the American public is the new girl, and Eclipse is just giving you a light shoulder rub… ease out that tension!  The waters of the new conspiracy are being tested!

Ad guys, the water’s fine!  Bring on the bisexuals!  Let us answer the call.  Let us be… the Greatest Generation! :)

Ad found at Dhadm

A few posts ago I mentioned how much I hate hearing my favorite music used in commercials. However, I think I’ve found a compromise – remakes! The commercial gets their song, and the listener keeps the original untarnished in his mind.

One of my favorite new (well, newish) bands is The Knife (links to original song, remade for ad) – very original sound, haunting vocals, great use of electronic elements to create some beautiful, chilling stuff. So you’re an ad guy – you really love this song, but it’s just not palatable for prime time. What to do? Give it to an acoustic guitarist so he can turn it into a James Blunt B-side! Have a look at this ad for a Sony Hi-Def television – you can barely recognize the song, so profoundly has the soul and innovation been sucked out of it. But, people that can afford hi-def TVs like to “scrapbook” and listen to pretty guitars, not tweaked out Swedish electronica. The boring, talentless version is waaay more appropriate for the ad than the original.

Win, win! And the “avant garde” artists themselves will be more willing to do a deal if they know their work will be butchered into something unrecognizable to their fans. Don’t take my word for it:

The Knife wrote Heartbeats, the song covered to achey-breaky affect by fellow Swede José Gonzales in the Sony Bravia ‘bouncing balls’ commercial. Yes, say The Knife, they had to think hard about allowing their music to be used to sell stuff. ‘It’s the first time we’ve said to yes to a thing like that,’ says Karin. ‘The only reason we thought it was OK was it wasn’t us performing.

 Posted by Stuart

You need to get through the Blake Lewis bit but near the end, you can see the “offer” from KFC trying to get Sanjaya to shave his head.

A life time supply of KFC was just not enough for Sanjaya to get the “KFC Bowl Cut”. This is bad marketing at its best.

It’s sad but I think Sanjaya should shave and feed the family. Even if the 15min of fame goes for 30min, fried chicken can last forever.

Back to the point, this is just plain stupid. Sanjaya is a “moment star”, that has some star potential (like it or not) and the best offer is free chicken.

If his hair is such a big deal, Herbal Essences sign him up.

With Easter having just passed, with all its bunnies, eggs, and sugar-fueled rampaging children running amok, I have to decided to give a marketing shout-out to the Catholic Church - probably the best advertising agency ever to have existed.

Bunnies laying colored eggs…deemed “too believable” to make it into the Scriptures.

It is hard to build solid marketshare, even around products of value. Let’s take renters’ insurance as an example; generally runs around $25/month. Protects all your stuff. Great idea. But do I have renters’ insurance? Nope. So imagine how difficult it must be to sell a religion! To take a big ball of fiction - and I’m not talking “It wasn’t Oswald!”, plausible fiction. Not even “We never went to the moon!”, unlikely-but-not-out-of-the-realm-of-possibility fiction. No, we’re talking insane-ramblings-of-the-local-crackhead fiction! To sell that product to massive swaths of people. I am just amazed every time I think of it.

So, being a site that looks at advertising, let’s look to the best ad agency on Earth for some pointers. I’ve tried to condense Christianity’s dominance down to a few major factors:

The Must-Have factor: your product must be marketed as the coolest thing since TickleMe Elmo (or in Christianity’s case, the coolest thing until TickleMe Elmo. Christianity offers you eternity with wings and music. Think Victoria’s Secret Angels fashion show, except with less thumping techno and more “good, Christian women” (which are at the other end of the hotness scale from Victoria’s Secret models). So, major upside there. And when you have absolutely no Consumer Reports, video footage, satisfied-user testimonials… when you have absolutely nothing tangible to prove your product even exists. you better have a major upside! Oh and one other thing…

The “Joe Rogan”: that’s right, fear factor! “If you don’t use our toothpaste, you could get gingivitis!” Not good enough. “If you don’t buy our life insurance, you’re wife and children could end up in the poor house!” Still not good enough. No, how ’bout an eternity of a large, red guy with horns poking you with hot things! Eternity! Holy f$#@king shit! That would scare the hell out of me, except that I am a rational person. Oh, that brings us to the next point…

Suspend rational thought: make dissenters feel stupid for being logical (or strap them to a rack and pull out their entrails.. check with your local regulations on this one). Q: “If God is all-powerful and all-loving, how can he let children be murdered?” A: “God works in mysterious ways. If only you had God in your heart, you would know this. tsk tsk {sympathetic shaking of head}”. Q: “If everything comes from God, including Lucifer, does it not logically follow that your God is the source of evil?” A: “Buuurrnn the heretic!!!!!”

Street marketing. Hit the dumb people first: approximately 75% of Americans are Christian. Compare that with 38% of scientists and 24% of doctors who don’t even believe in God, let alone being part of an organized religion. Smart people generally have a hard time buying what religion’s selling. So, to maximize their advertising resources, early Christians did not disseminate their message to the scholars of their time. No, they hit up the dumb people first. By the time they went to Justinian, they had their numbers. The Emperor had little choice.

“F’ world peace, what’s in it for me?”: We have been aware of the effects of our car emissions on the environment for quite awhile now. Reducing gas consumption is the just the “right thing to do”. And yet people kept forging along, buying their Hummers and SUVs, furry animals be damned. No, not until now, when people have been feeling the squeeze on their wallets from high gas prices have they decided to look for smaller vehicles.

Same goes for religion - Buddhism is a peaceful religion, concerned less about what awaits you in Heaven, and more about how to conduct your life well and live in harmony with your fellow man. Big mistake! Christianity realized that people don’t want world peace; they want to be able to commit unspeakable heinous acts against their fellow man and still get through those pearly gates. Mafioso types are Catholic for a reason! Buddhism warns you of Karma. Christianity gives you unending Forgiveness. No contest.

Make it easy to switch: finally, we bring our discussion back to Easter. Why the bunnies and eggs? To convert the Saxons! Yes, Easter comes from worship rituals of the Saxon Goddess Eastre. Christmas trees? Yep, also German. Christmas was invented and set to December 25th to replace the Winter Solstice celebrations of those pesky pagans. In fact, pretty much all of Christianity - from the holy trinity to “the messiah” to resurrection - it’s all an amalgam of pre-existing Egyptian and Persian myths. Christianity is very much like Microsoft. They’re hardly ever the first to market with anything, but manage to swipe up marketshare through marketing power and pre-established dominance.

So for any ad exec looking to see the Perfect Storm of marketing effort, look no further than your local church. Happy Easter!

According to a recent article I read, MySpace will be entering the News market.  MySpacers read the news???  Look for “Suppress news from my home page!” MySpace skins to be a big marketing opportunity.