Yeah, this isn’t in any way related to advertising, but my god is it classic - a brown finch completely pwned a local news reporter right as he was reporting on those same birds!  I mean, calculate the odds on this:  what are the odds of having a bird crap in one’s open mouth?  Pretty damned slim.  Now, of that small percentage, the odds that this person’s occupation is a tv news reporter?  Vanishingly small.  Now, of all the time this reporter spends doing the various activities of his daily life, what are the odds of this reporter eating bird shit while on the air live?!  Ridiculously fractionally small percentage.  And then the clincher!  Person, who happens to be a tv reporter, who happens to be broadcasting live, getting a dollop of bird crap in the mouth while doing a story on those same birds??!!

I mean, come on folks.  That’s just sheer awesomeness!  Ponder on such wonders of nature and probability as you enjoy your weekend!

Congratulations to Ben Silverman, recently appointed Head of NBC Entertainment.  I just read an Esquire article, wherein Mr. Silverman proceeded to bend over and suck his own dick at every possible opportunity, while disparaging various colleagues.  A couple gems:

Silverman has his enemies, but he attributes his quick ascent at least in part to his wide network of friends. He boasts that he has completely merged his personal and professional lives. "Having relationships with talent is key. I like actors, writers, and directors — they’re people I want to hang out with. They read, they’re cultured, they travel. None of the other network heads do this."  (yes.. they’re busy kicking your ass)

Tonight’s massive schmoozefest is ideally tailored to Silverman… But Ben Silverman is unimpressed. "This is nothing, man… last night…" He’s referring to the private gathering he hosted with some nightclub promoters at a mansion in the Hollywood Hills…The formal party featured bikini-clad girls dancing on rafts in the pool, the Hilton sisters, and a caged white tiger in the entryway. "It was sick," says Silverman, who greeted his six hundred guests in a silver Dolce & Gabbana suit and shut the place down around 5:30 a.m. "You looked around and saw so many beautiful women. But then you looked closer and it’s like, Hey, that’s Molly Sims. See what I mean? Just a totally sick party."

"The industry hasn’t seen an executive like me in a long time," Silverman says. "Traditionally, development executives rise through a specific subsection of the TV business — prime time, network, scripted programming. They’re basically D-girls," he says, using the derogatory industry slang for cute young development execs with little power. "That’s what [ABC Entertainment president] Steve McPherson is, that’s what [Fox Entertainment president] Kevin Reilly is. That’s bad vernacular, but they’re all D-girls."

Contrast this bravado with an article sent to me this morning, how NBC is refunding advertisers for uncharacteristically shitty ratings performance.  Keep in mind that NBC has been sucking the bottom of the big network pond for a little while now, so for them to be sucking in a new, uncharacteristic way, well that’s some tip-top management there!  Good job, Ben. In an environment where industry insiders already expect you to suck, you have over-achieved and found a way that completely caught ‘em all off guard!

Ben, quick tip:  talking the way you talk makes you a fucking dick.  Even if your network was far and away #1, you’re still a dick. So, well done on that one.  However, when you talk the way you talk - what with your "complete merging of personal and professional lives" and your rival "D-girls" - while your network sits in last place, sucking the tail-pipes of the other networks… well, Ben, that just makes you look like a fool and a Schmuck*.

*Shmuck:  That portion of one’s penis which is cut off during circumcision,a Yiddish term.  You’re already a dick, Ben.  And if you don’t fix your shit, be assured they’ll be throwing you away just like your namesake.

What started out as yet another gay attempt at attention-getting by Greenpeace has quickly turned into a bit of an internet sensation.  Go cast a vote for your favorite whale name!

Don’t get me wrong - any frequent AdChops readers (which I believe consists of my mother, a couple friends of mine, and a prisoner serving 30-to-life at Leavenworth… wait, my mom just called..she doesn’t read it) know that conservation of our environment is the cause nearest and dearest to my heart.  But my gawwwwd do my fellow tree-huggers do a bad job of marketing!  They’re always coming across as a bunch of weak, powerless hippies.

So when they sought to draw attention to a current threat to humpback whale populations by having a Whale-naming contest, you can probably imagine the names that were submitted; you know, shit like "Windsong", "Moondream", and a bunch of stuff bylined with "from the word for {fill in hippy-cherished concept: ’song’, ‘love’, ‘freedom’, etc} in ancient {fill in soon-to-be-extinct language spoken by, like, 15 people on Earth}".  Great.. let’s represent endangered species with endangered languages.

But one good name got through: "Mr. Splashy Pants"!  They put it in the final vote "as a joke".  Well, this joke now has 72% of the vote (in a field of 30!), and I’m betting Greenpeace has had more site hits than any time in recent history.

Do you get it yet, Greenpeace?  People, in general, like what you are doing.  The oceans are great.  Humpbacks, great.  We just don’t like hippies.  I know that is probably hard for the 50- and 60-something year old people now running Greenpeace to accept.  "But, the 60s were important, man!  What happened then was special!"  No, the 60s were not especially important.  Taking acid and dancing in mud… not especially important.  So get over it and start marketing for non-"aging hippies".  Mr. Splashy Pants is a good start. :)

Found originally through DHADM

If anyone from the Dept. of Biomechanics at University of Portsmouth is reading this, I’d like to formally request an internship.

In case you missed it, check out the magically stereotypical and appropriate response of Miss South Carolina on the “Miss US Americans the Iraq no maps and Stuff” Pageant earlier this week.

Do I mention this because I wish to further her humiliation?  No.  Because it’s funny?  No… well, yes.  But that’s only part of it.  No, I bring it up as a reprimand to the pageants themselves.  Miss Fill-in-the-Blank Pageant, you should be ashamed of yourself!  Asking these young women to be cerebral - women who have dedicated their entire lives to mastering “no, this is not a fake smile, I’m genuinely happy!” and “tits and ass-cheek taping” technologies - is nothing less than inhumane!

Get real, guys.  I know there has been outcry in the past to get rid of the evening gown and swimsuit competitions because they are “sexist”.  Well I advocate exactly the opposite - get rid of the Q&A (and maybe the Talent competition as well, unless you narrow it down to things such as “look how flexible I am” and “things I can do with my tongue”).  People are not watching your show to find the next Grace Hopper for chrissakes!  There is a reason there is no “MIT Women’s Doctoral Dissertations Pageant”!  In fact, for the sake of honesty in marketing, you should change the names of your pageants altogether.  “Miss America” should become the “Women You’d Like to Fuck but Not Date” Pageant.  “Miss Universe” should become the “Oh My Gawwwd Miss Brazil is Fucking Smoking!” Pageant* (see pic below).  The Miss Teen USA Pageant would be more aptly named the “Young Women That You’d Like to Fuck but Ssshhh We Can’t Speak of It Because Some of Them Are Illegal, and Yet We’re Parading Them on National TV in Fucking Bathing Suits So We Know You’re Fantasizing About It Right Now.  Don’t Lie.. You Lying Liar.. You’d Totally Hit That!”… Pageant.  As an aside, isn’t it interesting that the TV channel that puts 16-year-old girls in bikinis and has them do a little spin is the same channel that airs “Catch a Predator”?

I can’t stand bullshit (except that special brand where the purveyor of said bullshit knows that the purveyee knows it’s bullshit).  I happen to think most people don’t like being bullshitted.  Miss Whatever Pageants, quit bullshitting us!  You are purveyors of soft porn.  And sometimes “barely or not quite legal” soft porn.  Need proof?  After peaking in the late 80s, TV viewership of all the pageants is in precipitous decline.  Because the women don’t do the Q&A as well as they used to?  No.  Poor selections in eveningwear?  No.  Simple.. we’re all getting our porn elsewhere.  Skinamax…the internet… why would I want my porn punctuated by commercials and Bob Barker when I have all those choices??

So if you guys want to stay in business, you better fucking Know Thyself.  And your audience.  Because asking girls to find America on a map just isn’t gonna cut it anymore.

* I was totally not kidding about Miss Brazil.  Christ on a bike she’s hot!

Okay, so you’re an Islamic rebel group and want to endear yourself with the non-Islamic world. Hmm.. tough crowd. But picking the right acronym is certainly a great start! I was listening to NPR this morning and heard a story on what is now my favorite rebel group - the Moro Islamic Liberation Front.   That’s right, the MILF!  Now there’s a group I can get behind! *

I was laughing out loud in my car on this one.  News anchors will generally turn the acronym for a group into its own word for brevity’s sake, as opposed to spelling out the letters.  But not this morning.  No, the newsman was careful to call them the “M”-”I”-”L”-”F” throughout the segment.  I can only hope that thousands of people like me (you know, that “smart enough to listen to NPR but still really fucking immature” demographic) were laughing simultaneously this morning as our esteemed anchor recounted the latest MILF headlines.  If I find the clip in the NPR archives, I’ll post it.  In the meantime, we can at least have some fun with the Yahoo article I found.  Evidently, the MILF has “waged a decades-long insurgency in the south Philippines.”  Awesome, because the “naughty nurse” role-play routine was getting a bit stale!

“The 12,000-strong MILF said late last year that the talks were on the brink of collapse over its demands for economic control..”  Which translates to “withholding sex because we won’t buy them that new outfit they saw last week”.

“Last month, MILF guerrillas backed by members of the..”  Stop.  You had me at “MILF guerillas”!  Hottt!

“The MILF has admitted it was behind the ambush but said it only launched the attack because the military had crossed into its territory.” … and because they didn’t appreciate the “baby weight” comment.

* Note to Bush’s Domestic Surveillance Program - I don’t actually support this group. Please don’t put me on your Terrorist Watch list.

Check out GalacticSuite.com, who claim they’ll have a hotel orbiting Earth by 2012.  Allow me to be the first to call “bullshit”.

I don’t have any in-depth analysis to back up my opinion, but it strikes me as unlikely that a company that can master neither flash web design nor English grammar can somehow pull it together and launch the general public into space in the next 5 years.  If you can’t handle proper apostrophe placement, how can I trust your attention to details on, say, a reentry heat shield?  I’ve never built a rocket or space station, but I can tell you that Engineering Physics 1 was a helluva lot harder than English Composition.

Not only that - but the hypothetical stay at this “resort” looks really fucking boring.  I would love to go into space and do a couple revolutions.  Hell, if I had only been a few inches shorter at 18, I might be doing that right now (long story).  But the Galactic Suite package is 3 days.  Sitting in a fucking tube.  I would think even something as magnificent as weightlessness and looking down at the Earth would get old after a day if that’s all you’re doing.  Oh sure, the site claims that the “space tourists will also take part in scientific experiments”.  But come on, how involved could these experiments possibly be?  “See, Mr. Trump?  The liquid has formed a perfect sphere!  Ok, class, be sure to write these findings on page 3 of your Galactic Suite Activity Workbook!”

Thanks to Phil for the find!

I’ve always dug the whole Current TV concept - anyone can submit a video concept, which is then voted on to determine what content makes the tv channel.  Given the utter shit that has taken over much of television (thanks, Reality TV!), stations like Current could be our deliverers.

Little did I know that Current TV was started in part by Al Gore (my god he’s come a long way from Robot VP!).  And now, riding the Live Earth wave from July, Current TV is currently running a “:60 Seconds to Save the Earth” campaign.  Despite the misnomer (really, this is about saving humans, isn’t it?), this is a pretty cool idea.  Yes, user-generated ads is a well-worn path by now, but it takes on a different air when the goal is something bigger than selling Doritos, doesn’t it?  And really, all those ad contests are just following Current TV’s lead.

The :60 Second campaign was kicked off on July 7th with a promo spot by Cameron Diaz.  In a departure from her normal shtick, she opts to go for the “goofy, clumsy, cute, bat-my-eyelashes-at-the-camera” play.  Way to stretch, Cameron.  Anyway, since Environment’s my hot button issue, I’ll be nice.  Users can submit through Sept. 12, after which winning ads will be chosen and used by the Alliance for Climate Protection.  The grand prize winner will receive an SUV… wait, did I read that right?  Hmph.. holy shit.  Yeah, an SUV.  (okay, so it’s a hybrid.. meaning it gets almost as good a gas mileage as my 10 year old Volkswagen)

Be sure to check out AskANinja’s take on the campaign, too.  He’ll blow your mind.

Recently I posted on an ad by Toto - makers of the bidet-type-thingy called the Washlet - that was to run on a large billboard in Times Square.  It seems these asses did not sit well with the proprietors of Times Square Church - TSC’s preacher, Neil Rhodes has successfully gotten the ad pulled and a lawsuit is underway.

This makes absolutely no sense to me.  Hey Preacher, your church is in Times Fucking Square!  What the hell did you expect?!  You don’t want to see sensational ads?  Move your god-damned church to Tennessee!  As the article points out, there’s already a strip club right across the street for chrissakes!

And isn’t “cleanliness next to godliness” anyway?  Or should we now say, “cleanliness is right across the street from godliness”?  What possible beef do you have with a company promoting proper nether-region sanitation?

I think I know what this really comes down to.  Based upon all the news I’ve seen over the past few years, plus the recent $660 million dollar sex abuse settlement last week, it’s obvious to me that these naked asses are simply too much of a sexual temptation for the preachers of Times Square Church.  Preacher, I can help you through this: just remember that all those asses on the billboard belong to adults.  You guys prefer children, right?

Thanks to David for the find!

Warning - this has nothing to do with advertising.  But my mouth dropped a little when I read this so I thought I’d share.  In an effort to thwart the rapid filling up of our landfills with dog testicles, scientists have developed a contraceptive implant for male dogs.

Yes.  That’s right.  Some scientists actually got up every morning, kissed their wives on the cheek, and went to the office to work on doggy birth control.  Said the team lead: “This is a major milestone for us.  Now that we’ve knocked dog contraception out the box, we can return our efforts to children’s leukemia.”