I am so glad someone has started putting these commercials on YouTube (so that I can in turn steal them and put them on my own site).  I’ve wanted to comment on these ever since seeing them months and months ago.  Have a look at an ad for the Jiiiiitterbug!  {stupid music} Jiiiiiitterbug! cell phone for senior citizens.

I’m sure she’d be ok with the regular phone with bigger buttons, but if I gave that 3-button jobby to my grandmother, she would probably beat me with it.  Then toss me the phone and say "Just press the bottom button, dear!  Jiiiitterbug!"

My grandma is closing in on 80, and she seems to be doing just fine on her plain ol’, standard issue "young people’s" model (my quotes, not what she calls it).  I mean, am I the only one that finds this phone and ad a little demeaning?  And I truly love this: they top it off with older folks (a lot of them don’t even look all that old!) in the commercial being stereotypically crotchety.  "And it’s not bogged down with a gazillion features like those other phones!  Finally, a simple, fairly useless phone to match my simple, fairly useless mind!"   I mean, come on!  No one?  I can’t speak for my future, 80-year-old self, but I would be pissed! 

With the artistic help of a friend, I’ve decided to really dispense with the bullshit and bring Jitterbug’s point home to the senior citizenry.  I present you the Jitterbug Adchops model:

Now hurry up and die already!

Ah, nothing like a little jingoism to help people forget that you are late to the party.  Check out the new "Fritalian ad" from Dunkin Donuts.

So, we have 3 levels of hypocrisy at work here, we’ll call them.. oh I don’t know.. how about "solo", "doppio", and "venti".

Solo:  Dunkin Donuts has always sold coffee, as far as I know.  But until now, that coffee has basically been swill.  And they have been extremely content in serving you that swill.  ‘Cause hey, whatcha gonna do, go somewhere else?… Oh shit!  They’re going somewhere else!  Yes, along come the coffee shops with their expensive coffees and espresso drinks.  And Dunkin Donuts (and McDonald’s, etc) were still content to sell you their swill… until the American public was shirking the swill and drinking lattes and mochas and frappaccinos (sp?) in droves.  So what do ya know!  Dunkin Donuts decides they want to be in the "high-brow, pretentious" coffee market, too!  But let’s make fun of it at the same time!

 Doppio:  Guess what, Dunkin Donuts.  America didn’t invent mochas and lattes.  I know what you’re thinking, DD!  But didn’t America invent everything?  I had to do some Wikipedia research on this, but evidently we didn’t.  So yeah, those pretentious coffeeshops elected to call the drinks by their original names.  I know!  UnAmerican!  But Dunkin’s here to save the day.  Oh, they’ll be happy to profit off these foreign imports, but by God they’re not going to have us speaking no "forin" language like Fritalian {nasal phlegm clearing sound, adjust belt buckle}!  So, gone are those foreign words like mocha and latte, to be replaced with…

Venti: … Mocha and Latte!!  Yep!  I mean, I’m sure they tried a couple more patriotic, home-grown names.  Maybe "Concentrated, Small Shot of Coffee with Milk".  "Milkoffee".  Maybe even "AM Gogo Juice Dairy Blaster" or some shit.  But ya know, "latte" and "mocha" are pretty catchy!  And as it turns out, people’s mouths can form those words.  So despite, all their Fritalian hatin’, they’re drinking a big ol’ Venti helping of the foreign kool-aid.  Oh, and DD.. what exactly is a Tropicana Coolatta?!  My mouth can’t form that word, and my brain doesn’t want to.  And my hand wants to slap you.

Now that I’ve had my rant, I will credit where credit is due.  Some awesome mofo on the ad production team decided to slip a drink onto the menu called the "Himan Plu Cento".  As much as it pains me to say anything good about this stupid fucking commercial, that drink name is absolutely awesome!  If I ever own a coffeeshop, that drink will be on my menu.  If any of you have ideas as to the ingredients, please leave them in the Comments.

Seacrest out.

My new favorite commercial - Bud Light now delivers the ability to understand animals.

 Bud Light just nails it, ad after ad (Swear Jar, anyone?).  Down to every detail - the dog with the slightly "proper British" accent, the facial expressions of the owner.. just awesome.

As I’ve said before, Bud Light has delivered so many great ads, I am almost compelled to buy their miserable-tasting swill just to say "Thank You"…. almost. In fact, Bud Light, I promise you this: next good commercial I see and I will buy a 24 pack of your product. I will probably then give it away to strangers and immediately purchase some good German brew.. but it’s the thought that counts, right? In fact, I’ll up the ante. While we’re on the subject of sports and marketing, I just went over to the Phoenix Suns new virtual locker room thingy. I’m digging it, but if you could convince them to get rid of the fucking ape and replace it with Sausage Dog, hell, I’ll throw a party and stock it with Bud Light kegs. Get to it, Bud Light brass!

btw, my server’s getting killed by you all right now, so my apologies if there’s a bit of delay in the load

Sorry, kids.  Holidays combined with work load at the day job has made me a negligent daddy here as of late.  I’m still a bit busy, but thought I’d post up a quick something to keep Blog Welfare Services from knocking on my door.  This is (I believe) a website for a Brazilian beer called Boa.  It takes a helluva a long time to load, but is kind of funny and more importantly, shows off a new tech that you might see in future ad campaigns - overlaying images on video.  Neat stuff.

Hope to post up some more love in the next few!

Just saw this ad last night for the first time and had to watch it a few times.  I’m not even sure what the hell it’s for!  Something for EA sports games on the Wii called "Family Play".  Is this simply multi-player functionality?

Anyway, confusion of what’s being sold aside, the commercial is stellar.  Kudos on the authenticity of the "NFL Films announcer guy", and for a great acting job by the grandma.  I absolutely hate ads where they try to use cute babies to push product, but for some reason I love it when they use cute ol’ grannies.  I prefer to have logical consistency in most things… haven’t sorted this one out yet.  Any hypotheses are welcome. :)

Been a busy week, yo!  Sorry for not keeping up.  I’m still a bit taxed, but thought I’d at least draw your attention to something I’ve been having a laugh at over at DHADM.  Not the commercial.  The ad is from the "Verizon Wireless Slightly Annoying Nerd" series, and (as is typical of that entire campaign) is a yawner.

But my GAWD, the comments section!  People are going absolutely chimp-shit (why should apes get all the glory?) over the use of the miniature pony in the ad.  A couple gems:

The American Miniature Horse in this commercial is not a good representation of the breed….Our horse rides in elevators in nursing homes, has ridden in our Jeep Cherokee to get to her events and has been called the ambassador to the miniature horse breed….  -DJ Pullis

 

….DJ do quit taking yourself so seriously.  BTW, I’m in the market for a miniature horse and your farm is now off the list.  -Skeeziks

 

This add is not funny or entertaining…..Even a dog should not be confined by a rope or chain.  The thought that a horse would be confined in this mannner is ludicrous!  It sets an ignorant tone for the amazing American Miniature Horse.   -Peggy L Price

 

Mini or not, it is not safe to put a reasonably large equid inside a vehicle.  -Skeeziks  (glad you told me this before this weekend, Skeeziks!)

 

When a kid with cancer who has lost all her hair can run up to a mini and just give it a hug around its neck and the mini accepts it quietly with patience and love, you know something special is happening.   When a student who is struggling with learning disabilities and his/her social skills opens up because they touched a miniature horse, you never know how far the student will go from there….  -DJ Pullis

 

This is a terrible commercial. When you let a miniature horse chew on things such as doghouses, it ruins the meat. Minihorse meat is DELICIOUS, especially when prepared “traditional” style with an apple glaze.   - ok, this one was me. :)

People, don’t deprive yourself 5 minutes of laughs at the expense of these goobers (myself included in said goobers).  Oh and in case you’ve never seen it, the best Verizon commercial EVER never made it to TV.

No no no no NO!  NO, Tay!  Check out this ridiculous commercial from Dr. Pepper and "Tay to tha Z".

This commercial just fills my body with rage.  And I even like Dr. Pepper.  Hell, I liked Tay when I saw his original YouTube clip.  Voice is kinda fucked up and the song is repetitive, but he has that underdog geeky charm that makes a person root for him.

Not anymore.  This ad is just terrible in so many ways.  First wrong move:  never, ever spell things with "to tha" in the middle.  Second, never try to pull off the Hef jacket and hot ladies on the arm thing if you look 12 years old.  It just makes you look like a little shit.  Third, if you’re going to try to milk a bit of internet celebrity for all its worth, at least have the decency to switch up the material.  We’re tired of hearing about chocolate rain, Tay!  Tired!  Putting "cherry" on the front doesn’t make it new!

When critiquing an ad, I feel it my responsibility to watch the whole thing before casting judgment.  I cannot tell you how hard that was on this one.  I just wanted to reach through the monitor and choke the little bitch.

Oh, and "Mista Johnson"?  The fact that you rapped about a soft drink officially makes me "harder" and "more street" than you.  And I’m a white guy from the suburbs.  A white guy from the suburbs that has never tried to make a carbonated beverage sound dangerous.  You fucking tool.

So to sum up.  Tay, your 15’s over.  Go away.  Dr. Pepper, I’m switching to Pibb….. oh, and the squirrel getting doused in chocolate?  Brilliant!

While trying to balance your hectic life as wife, mother, and enterprising businesswoman, how do you appease your insatiable appetite for Nando Chicken?  Patches just won’t do!  Try Nando Fix Gum!

This ad is at least 6 months old, but my god is this commercial awesome.  Reason #215 why Aussies are cooler than we are.

What started out as yet another gay attempt at attention-getting by Greenpeace has quickly turned into a bit of an internet sensation.  Go cast a vote for your favorite whale name!

Don’t get me wrong - any frequent AdChops readers (which I believe consists of my mother, a couple friends of mine, and a prisoner serving 30-to-life at Leavenworth… wait, my mom just called..she doesn’t read it) know that conservation of our environment is the cause nearest and dearest to my heart.  But my gawwwwd do my fellow tree-huggers do a bad job of marketing!  They’re always coming across as a bunch of weak, powerless hippies.

So when they sought to draw attention to a current threat to humpback whale populations by having a Whale-naming contest, you can probably imagine the names that were submitted; you know, shit like "Windsong", "Moondream", and a bunch of stuff bylined with "from the word for {fill in hippy-cherished concept: ’song’, ‘love’, ‘freedom’, etc} in ancient {fill in soon-to-be-extinct language spoken by, like, 15 people on Earth}".  Great.. let’s represent endangered species with endangered languages.

But one good name got through: "Mr. Splashy Pants"!  They put it in the final vote "as a joke".  Well, this joke now has 72% of the vote (in a field of 30!), and I’m betting Greenpeace has had more site hits than any time in recent history.

Do you get it yet, Greenpeace?  People, in general, like what you are doing.  The oceans are great.  Humpbacks, great.  We just don’t like hippies.  I know that is probably hard for the 50- and 60-something year old people now running Greenpeace to accept.  "But, the 60s were important, man!  What happened then was special!"  No, the 60s were not especially important.  Taking acid and dancing in mud… not especially important.  So get over it and start marketing for non-"aging hippies".  Mr. Splashy Pants is a good start. :)

Found originally through DHADM

I just love this ad.  What with the writer’s strike and everything, I guess Macy’s just opted to skip on doing anything original, interesting, or compelling, and instead just filled 30 seconds with a bunch of celebrities (in some cases, of questionable talent).

What’s so awesome about this ad though, is just how ridiculously anathema to Jesus this is.  Yes, the ad says the p.c. "holiday season", but luckily I am not worried about bottom lines - this ad, and the entire "holiday season", is about Christmas.  No, I am not biased - I am not a Christian.  Jews are about 1.5% of this entire country.  My group - spiritual but non-religious - about the same.  Kwanzaa?  Well, that was invented by some dude just 40 years ago, so don’t even start with that bullshit.

So, this is the Christmas season.  And what better way for Macy’s to put their best foot forward on the season than by showing a bunch of stars that are mostly likely going to Hell!  We’ve got P-Diddy (or P-Daddy, Puff Daddy.. whatever the fuck the douchebag’s calling himself this week), whose crew goes around shooting people in clubs, Jessica Simpson - who has pretty much built a career on being men’s masturbatory fantasies, Martha Stewart - insider trading ex-con, Emeril the over-rated and gluttonous one-catch-phrase chef, Trump the shameless self-promoter… Let’s see… greed, pride, lust, gluttony, wrath… I don’t think all the cardinal sins are covered, but goddamnit, Macy’s, I’m giving you an "A" for effort!  Good show!  Merry Christmas!

Have a great Turkey Day!