Ah, nothing like a little jingoism to help people forget that you are late to the party.  Check out the new "Fritalian ad" from Dunkin Donuts.

So, we have 3 levels of hypocrisy at work here, we’ll call them.. oh I don’t know.. how about "solo", "doppio", and "venti".

Solo:  Dunkin Donuts has always sold coffee, as far as I know.  But until now, that coffee has basically been swill.  And they have been extremely content in serving you that swill.  ‘Cause hey, whatcha gonna do, go somewhere else?… Oh shit!  They’re going somewhere else!  Yes, along come the coffee shops with their expensive coffees and espresso drinks.  And Dunkin Donuts (and McDonald’s, etc) were still content to sell you their swill… until the American public was shirking the swill and drinking lattes and mochas and frappaccinos (sp?) in droves.  So what do ya know!  Dunkin Donuts decides they want to be in the "high-brow, pretentious" coffee market, too!  But let’s make fun of it at the same time!

 Doppio:  Guess what, Dunkin Donuts.  America didn’t invent mochas and lattes.  I know what you’re thinking, DD!  But didn’t America invent everything?  I had to do some Wikipedia research on this, but evidently we didn’t.  So yeah, those pretentious coffeeshops elected to call the drinks by their original names.  I know!  UnAmerican!  But Dunkin’s here to save the day.  Oh, they’ll be happy to profit off these foreign imports, but by God they’re not going to have us speaking no "forin" language like Fritalian {nasal phlegm clearing sound, adjust belt buckle}!  So, gone are those foreign words like mocha and latte, to be replaced with…

Venti: … Mocha and Latte!!  Yep!  I mean, I’m sure they tried a couple more patriotic, home-grown names.  Maybe "Concentrated, Small Shot of Coffee with Milk".  "Milkoffee".  Maybe even "AM Gogo Juice Dairy Blaster" or some shit.  But ya know, "latte" and "mocha" are pretty catchy!  And as it turns out, people’s mouths can form those words.  So despite, all their Fritalian hatin’, they’re drinking a big ol’ Venti helping of the foreign kool-aid.  Oh, and DD.. what exactly is a Tropicana Coolatta?!  My mouth can’t form that word, and my brain doesn’t want to.  And my hand wants to slap you.

Now that I’ve had my rant, I will credit where credit is due.  Some awesome mofo on the ad production team decided to slip a drink onto the menu called the "Himan Plu Cento".  As much as it pains me to say anything good about this stupid fucking commercial, that drink name is absolutely awesome!  If I ever own a coffeeshop, that drink will be on my menu.  If any of you have ideas as to the ingredients, please leave them in the Comments.

Seacrest out.

No no no no NO!  NO, Tay!  Check out this ridiculous commercial from Dr. Pepper and "Tay to tha Z".

This commercial just fills my body with rage.  And I even like Dr. Pepper.  Hell, I liked Tay when I saw his original YouTube clip.  Voice is kinda fucked up and the song is repetitive, but he has that underdog geeky charm that makes a person root for him.

Not anymore.  This ad is just terrible in so many ways.  First wrong move:  never, ever spell things with "to tha" in the middle.  Second, never try to pull off the Hef jacket and hot ladies on the arm thing if you look 12 years old.  It just makes you look like a little shit.  Third, if you’re going to try to milk a bit of internet celebrity for all its worth, at least have the decency to switch up the material.  We’re tired of hearing about chocolate rain, Tay!  Tired!  Putting "cherry" on the front doesn’t make it new!

When critiquing an ad, I feel it my responsibility to watch the whole thing before casting judgment.  I cannot tell you how hard that was on this one.  I just wanted to reach through the monitor and choke the little bitch.

Oh, and "Mista Johnson"?  The fact that you rapped about a soft drink officially makes me "harder" and "more street" than you.  And I’m a white guy from the suburbs.  A white guy from the suburbs that has never tried to make a carbonated beverage sound dangerous.  You fucking tool.

So to sum up.  Tay, your 15’s over.  Go away.  Dr. Pepper, I’m switching to Pibb….. oh, and the squirrel getting doused in chocolate?  Brilliant!

Let’s just put this banner in the “Whoops!” category…

Yes, I realize it says “Use less”.  But come on, that’s just 5 white space pixels from being “Useless”, not exactly a word you want associated with what you’re selling.  What’s sad is, I doubt this is one that just slipped by the editors.  No, I bet they looked at it and thought, “Hmm… could this be misread?   Naaaaah!”

Wrong answer.  Ya know, you could have made it all go away with some capitalization:  “Do More.  Use Less.”  Wasn’t that easy?  Morons.

And no, Chevy, this is not just one guy’s opinion!

Thanks to Jiraiya NamPla for the insight on this one.

Okay, now that we’ve covered Washlet, let’s address those that don’t quite make it to the toilet.  Check out the latest ad for Serenity Male Guards.

This ad’s just too much.  I mean, you don’t even know what their advertising at first.. “Hmmm.. southern ‘Bad to the bone’-type music and a bike gang.. cool.. must be a Harley ad or something.  Wait a second.. that’s an old dude on that bike!  WTF?  ‘Bladder weakness’?!  Did the announcer just say “bladder weakness”?  What’s going on here?!  Now there’s a hot chick at a gas pump checking him out!  Run, girl!  He just pissed himself!  Is that a cod piece?  Huh?  Did he just pick up his grandkid while announcer guy’s talking about odor?  Jesus Christ, get me off this ride!”

I know what the company’s trying to do.  I get it.  I’m sure wetting your pants as an adult is an emasculating experience, and they want to downplay that vulnerability.  But come on!  You’re in a bike gang?  Don’t piss on me and tell me it’s raining, Grandpa!  No, seriously, Grandpa.  Don’t piss on me.

Drop the tough-guy act.  Instead, they should highlight the fact that the guy doesn’t yet need a full diaper.  “Serenity Male Guards - cuz hey, you haven’t shit your pants yet, right?  Things could be worse!”

Thanks to Stuart for the link.

This post title is fucking annoying, isn’t it?  Seeing the word “shop” 10 times in a row?  Oh it gets worse.  Check out the flashy-light, schizophrenic, W.A.S.P.-dancing massive clusterfuck that is the new ad by Shopzilla.

I don’t know where to even start.  Ok, first, “Shopzilla”.  Shopzilla folks, even the very name of your company sucks.  It suckszilla.  See?  See how stupid putting “zilla” on the end of something is?  There is room for only one “zilla” on this planet, and that would obviously be the original: Godzilla.  I shall pray every morning for the sweet, sweet irony of Godzilla coming to your town and destroying your company headquarters.

Now, for the commercial.  I have covered music in ads quite a bit on this site.  It’s such an easy thing to do, really.  Somehow, though, y’all fucked it up.  People hate disco.  And not just everyone who wasn’t part of the era.  No, even people from that era look back and think, “What the hell was I thinking back then?”  So, you have taken song that everyone hates, and then had a bunch of soulless studio musicians - from whatever circle of Hell that gave us musak and Kenny G - sing a new version of the song, replacing the word “shake” with “shop”.  Fucking genius.

But no!  You weren’t done!  No camera shot must last more than 2 seconds!  Because that’s exciting!  Shop Shop Shop!  And pretty colors!  Yeah, every color of the rainbow!  Let’s get ‘em all in there in 15 seconds.  And I want LOTS of shots of people browsing on their computer!  Because people won’t understand we’re an online shopping site unless we show people web-surfing.  Hey, who’s that douchebag over by the water cooler doing karate chops?  I love it!  Let’s put him in the commercial!  And let’s have him using an optical mouse on glass - which can’t possibly work but fuck it!  You all had your chance to take the blue pill.  We’re taking this all the way!  Shop Shop Shop!  Hey Denise!  Wanna dance in a commercial?  How do you feel about wearing a baby-shit green pant suit that draws attention to your uteral mound?  Bada-bing!  You’re in it!  Shop Shop!

Shopzilla - I hate you.

Thanks to Stuart for the find!

What not to do as an ad campaign: overstay your welcome.

“Cheerio, gov’na! I’m a gecko. If you take out the ‘k’ and squeeze in an ‘i’, you get me company, Geico. Real clever, that! And whereas real geckos be rather disgusting chaps - emitting foul odors and their own shite upon their attackers - I choose to instead annoy the piss out of ya wit’ me stupid fucking cockney accent.”

Listen up, Geico. This was not a strong campaign to begin with. Just because your company’s name sounds like a fucking lizard doesn’t mean you have to explore all the marketing possibilities of that coincidence. I know - he was voted “America’s Favorite Icon” in 2005. I have two points on that: 1. I looked up how that poll is conducted - online polls and some special booths during one week in Times Square. In other words, completely worthless. Point 2: 2005. You’ve been parading him in front of us for 2 years now (actually, longer than that). I’m not sure I could handle your cavemen that long, and those are at least funny.

But lest you think I’m just one guy ranting, allow me to present my evidence. I did a search on YouTube with the simple search term, “Geico”, ordered by view count. What do you see? I’ll tell you what you don’t see - your beloved gecko. He nabbed a solid 3 spots out of the top 40 most viewed.

To sum things up, I think I’ll pull a random quote from a fellow hater:

hello al there mates.its me mate, the talking geico from geico.I’ll tell ya all you mates a harry potter story.This is how it goes…harry potter woke up in the morning in hogwarts.ron was next to him and said”harry i heard lord voldomord when i was sleeping and he said he was gonna murder you!”"is that true?”yelled harry.”yes,but i have some very good news!”snortd ron”realy, you know da speel to kill him?!?!?!”cried harry”no, i just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to geico,abracadraba!”now mates wasnt that good ol’ harry potter story?

Couldn’t have captured it better meself. Retire the gecko. Oh, and don’t bother with the Cavemen sitcom either. What the hell are you guys thinking?!