I am so glad someone has started putting these commercials on YouTube (so that I can in turn steal them and put them on my own site).  I’ve wanted to comment on these ever since seeing them months and months ago.  Have a look at an ad for the Jiiiiitterbug!  {stupid music} Jiiiiiitterbug! cell phone for senior citizens.

I’m sure she’d be ok with the regular phone with bigger buttons, but if I gave that 3-button jobby to my grandmother, she would probably beat me with it.  Then toss me the phone and say "Just press the bottom button, dear!  Jiiiitterbug!"

My grandma is closing in on 80, and she seems to be doing just fine on her plain ol’, standard issue "young people’s" model (my quotes, not what she calls it).  I mean, am I the only one that finds this phone and ad a little demeaning?  And I truly love this: they top it off with older folks (a lot of them don’t even look all that old!) in the commercial being stereotypically crotchety.  "And it’s not bogged down with a gazillion features like those other phones!  Finally, a simple, fairly useless phone to match my simple, fairly useless mind!"   I mean, come on!  No one?  I can’t speak for my future, 80-year-old self, but I would be pissed! 

With the artistic help of a friend, I’ve decided to really dispense with the bullshit and bring Jitterbug’s point home to the senior citizenry.  I present you the Jitterbug Adchops model:

Now hurry up and die already!

I am not the first person to have said this, and I will not be the last.  And believe me, I harbor no ill will towards you if you are one of those people I’m about to talk about.  But it behooves me (I love the word "behooves") to hold a mirror up to you, then let you decide for yourself which way to proceed.  So let’s just get it out there:

  If you wear a Bluetooth earpiece, you look like a Complete and Massive Tool.

This is not my opinion.  This not even the opinion of millions.  This is just fact.  There are no exceptions to this rule.  "Oh but mine’s really small and stylish."  No.  It is neither of those things.  And the fact that it’s blinking like you’re bringing in a fucking plane does not help.  "But it is so convenient!  I need it for my work."  Ok, granted.  It may be convenient.  Ripping a huge, pew-shaking fart during a funeral service is also convenient.  But you know what?  I’m going to resist that urge out of a general sense of decorum.

Do I have the right to pass gas during the death of a loved one?  I most certainly do.  I choose not to.  Do you have the right to keep that Bluetooth earpiece in during a day at the ballpark, on a date, or while salsa-dancing (I have seen all of these)?  Of course you do.  I am merely proposing that you give it pause for thought, and choose another way.

Let me return to the "Exceptions" point above.  You may think that you are "pulling off" the look.  Or perhaps you have fooled yourself into the notion, "Well, despite what people say now, they’ll be wearing one in a couple years, which will elevate me to the ranks of ‘cutting edge early adopter".  No.  And no.  No one pulls off the look.  I have included here a picture of what I consider the creme de la creme of female hotness - multiple Asian women in their early 20s.  Human beauty gets no better than this, in my own opinion (yes, this is an opinion.  The fact that you look like a Tool is still fact).  So am I looking at these Bluetoothed beauties and thinking how hot they look rockin’ the earpiece?  No, I’m thinking, "Wow how I’d like to have sex with them, in spite of them looking like complete tools."

And you are probably not as hot as they are.  No, pick any one of the other pictures in this post.  That is what you look like.  Hell, I even included another pic of a girl that’s fairly cute.  Look how ridiculous she looks!  Is this sinking in yet?

As to the other point, about being "the cutting edge early adopter".  Nope.  To the left, please note a cutting edge early adopter of the cell phone.  Pretty retarded, huh?  That’s you, Bluetooth Earpiece Wearer.  This is how the rest of us are looking at you.  Except everything’s happening faster now… it took us 10 years to look back at those phones and say, "Wow!  That was gay!"  We’re more savvy now… we’re calling you gay now.

So again, this is not an angry post. And this is no judgment on who you are during all those times you’re not wearing your earpiece. Hell, my best friend has one (and he’s a good father, good husband.. stand-up guy). And I tell him he looks like a Complete and Massive Tool everytime I see him with it. Which he ignores… which means whenever we’re in public and he has it in, I’m just a couple steps farther from him…probably some subconscious fear that the Toolness can be caught, like an airborne virus.

No, this is not malicious. Merely a PSA - If you own a Bluetooth earpiece and wear it in public, you look like a Complete and Massive Tool.  As I’ve caveated, a select small percentage of you may qualify as Complete and Massive Tools I’d Like to Fuck - or CaMTILFs - but one does not exclude the other (see Diagram 1).

The choice is yours.

Still swamped with work stuff, so I’m being neglectful again.  So I’m going to take the easy route and post a couple YouTube vids.  Now, I’m not into shameless self promotion (unless I’m trying to get laid by a hot chick, in which case my shamelessness knows no bounds), but I posted a vid up to YouTube to share with a couple friends and it’s now at 740 views… so, maybe you’ll find it amusing.

So, I’m cruising through "Most Viewed" the other day and stumble upon this Japanese chick.  All she does is flirt with the goddamn camera for 40 seconds.  Forty seconds of staring at a fucking camera, and she gets half a million hits!  Anyway, I decided to take a piss.  So, enjoy "Japanese attention whore", followed by my dramatic recreation of said attention whore.  Have a good weekend.

Congratulations to Ben Silverman, recently appointed Head of NBC Entertainment.  I just read an Esquire article, wherein Mr. Silverman proceeded to bend over and suck his own dick at every possible opportunity, while disparaging various colleagues.  A couple gems:

Silverman has his enemies, but he attributes his quick ascent at least in part to his wide network of friends. He boasts that he has completely merged his personal and professional lives. "Having relationships with talent is key. I like actors, writers, and directors — they’re people I want to hang out with. They read, they’re cultured, they travel. None of the other network heads do this."  (yes.. they’re busy kicking your ass)

Tonight’s massive schmoozefest is ideally tailored to Silverman… But Ben Silverman is unimpressed. "This is nothing, man… last night…" He’s referring to the private gathering he hosted with some nightclub promoters at a mansion in the Hollywood Hills…The formal party featured bikini-clad girls dancing on rafts in the pool, the Hilton sisters, and a caged white tiger in the entryway. "It was sick," says Silverman, who greeted his six hundred guests in a silver Dolce & Gabbana suit and shut the place down around 5:30 a.m. "You looked around and saw so many beautiful women. But then you looked closer and it’s like, Hey, that’s Molly Sims. See what I mean? Just a totally sick party."

"The industry hasn’t seen an executive like me in a long time," Silverman says. "Traditionally, development executives rise through a specific subsection of the TV business — prime time, network, scripted programming. They’re basically D-girls," he says, using the derogatory industry slang for cute young development execs with little power. "That’s what [ABC Entertainment president] Steve McPherson is, that’s what [Fox Entertainment president] Kevin Reilly is. That’s bad vernacular, but they’re all D-girls."

Contrast this bravado with an article sent to me this morning, how NBC is refunding advertisers for uncharacteristically shitty ratings performance.  Keep in mind that NBC has been sucking the bottom of the big network pond for a little while now, so for them to be sucking in a new, uncharacteristic way, well that’s some tip-top management there!  Good job, Ben. In an environment where industry insiders already expect you to suck, you have over-achieved and found a way that completely caught ‘em all off guard!

Ben, quick tip:  talking the way you talk makes you a fucking dick.  Even if your network was far and away #1, you’re still a dick. So, well done on that one.  However, when you talk the way you talk - what with your "complete merging of personal and professional lives" and your rival "D-girls" - while your network sits in last place, sucking the tail-pipes of the other networks… well, Ben, that just makes you look like a fool and a Schmuck*.

*Shmuck:  That portion of one’s penis which is cut off during circumcision,a Yiddish term.  You’re already a dick, Ben.  And if you don’t fix your shit, be assured they’ll be throwing you away just like your namesake.

Been a busy week, yo!  Sorry for not keeping up.  I’m still a bit taxed, but thought I’d at least draw your attention to something I’ve been having a laugh at over at DHADM.  Not the commercial.  The ad is from the "Verizon Wireless Slightly Annoying Nerd" series, and (as is typical of that entire campaign) is a yawner.

But my GAWD, the comments section!  People are going absolutely chimp-shit (why should apes get all the glory?) over the use of the miniature pony in the ad.  A couple gems:

The American Miniature Horse in this commercial is not a good representation of the breed….Our horse rides in elevators in nursing homes, has ridden in our Jeep Cherokee to get to her events and has been called the ambassador to the miniature horse breed….  -DJ Pullis

 

….DJ do quit taking yourself so seriously.  BTW, I’m in the market for a miniature horse and your farm is now off the list.  -Skeeziks

 

This add is not funny or entertaining…..Even a dog should not be confined by a rope or chain.  The thought that a horse would be confined in this mannner is ludicrous!  It sets an ignorant tone for the amazing American Miniature Horse.   -Peggy L Price

 

Mini or not, it is not safe to put a reasonably large equid inside a vehicle.  -Skeeziks  (glad you told me this before this weekend, Skeeziks!)

 

When a kid with cancer who has lost all her hair can run up to a mini and just give it a hug around its neck and the mini accepts it quietly with patience and love, you know something special is happening.   When a student who is struggling with learning disabilities and his/her social skills opens up because they touched a miniature horse, you never know how far the student will go from there….  -DJ Pullis

 

This is a terrible commercial. When you let a miniature horse chew on things such as doghouses, it ruins the meat. Minihorse meat is DELICIOUS, especially when prepared “traditional” style with an apple glaze.   - ok, this one was me. :)

People, don’t deprive yourself 5 minutes of laughs at the expense of these goobers (myself included in said goobers).  Oh and in case you’ve never seen it, the best Verizon commercial EVER never made it to TV.

I just love this ad.  What with the writer’s strike and everything, I guess Macy’s just opted to skip on doing anything original, interesting, or compelling, and instead just filled 30 seconds with a bunch of celebrities (in some cases, of questionable talent).

What’s so awesome about this ad though, is just how ridiculously anathema to Jesus this is.  Yes, the ad says the p.c. "holiday season", but luckily I am not worried about bottom lines - this ad, and the entire "holiday season", is about Christmas.  No, I am not biased - I am not a Christian.  Jews are about 1.5% of this entire country.  My group - spiritual but non-religious - about the same.  Kwanzaa?  Well, that was invented by some dude just 40 years ago, so don’t even start with that bullshit.

So, this is the Christmas season.  And what better way for Macy’s to put their best foot forward on the season than by showing a bunch of stars that are mostly likely going to Hell!  We’ve got P-Diddy (or P-Daddy, Puff Daddy.. whatever the fuck the douchebag’s calling himself this week), whose crew goes around shooting people in clubs, Jessica Simpson - who has pretty much built a career on being men’s masturbatory fantasies, Martha Stewart - insider trading ex-con, Emeril the over-rated and gluttonous one-catch-phrase chef, Trump the shameless self-promoter… Let’s see… greed, pride, lust, gluttony, wrath… I don’t think all the cardinal sins are covered, but goddamnit, Macy’s, I’m giving you an "A" for effort!  Good show!  Merry Christmas!

Have a great Turkey Day!

Check out this review on Variety.com for Nintendo Wii’s Super Mario Galaxy.  Notice the top right corner…

Yeah.. a review of Nintendo sponsored by Sony!  Now, I think the commenters of the article are a bit off (btw, I highly recommend reading the comments.. some lovely vitriol there) in directing their criticism at the author (or, as called in the comments: "shill", "sell-out", "horrid little twat").  People, this is an author for Variety - a magazine geared at the ignorant fucking masses that actually give two shits about Lohan’s latest drug addictions, how Britney straps her babies into carseats, or the latest name conjugations of celebrity couples ("Bradifer", or "Brangelina", or whatever-the-fuck it is now).  Being as they are catering to the lesser intellects among us, one would expect that they themselves aren’t the sharpest, either.

The real criticism goes to Sony.  Sony makes games and laptops and other smart shit, directed to intelligent (and often, undersexed) people!  Companies selling to smart people are supposed to have ad departments that have been honed to a fine edge by their take-no-prisoners demographic.  They are supposed to be too smart to pull a jackass move like this.

So, to the "horrid little twat" (that’s my favorite!), Ben Fritz:  I’m not hatin’.  You write for Variety;  I’m not expecting much from you.  But shame on you, Sony!

I mean, look at the ridiculousness from whence she came.  I thought it was a joke at first.  I sooo want that music for my ringtone.

In case you missed it, check out the magically stereotypical and appropriate response of Miss South Carolina on the “Miss US Americans the Iraq no maps and Stuff” Pageant earlier this week.

Do I mention this because I wish to further her humiliation?  No.  Because it’s funny?  No… well, yes.  But that’s only part of it.  No, I bring it up as a reprimand to the pageants themselves.  Miss Fill-in-the-Blank Pageant, you should be ashamed of yourself!  Asking these young women to be cerebral - women who have dedicated their entire lives to mastering “no, this is not a fake smile, I’m genuinely happy!” and “tits and ass-cheek taping” technologies - is nothing less than inhumane!

Get real, guys.  I know there has been outcry in the past to get rid of the evening gown and swimsuit competitions because they are “sexist”.  Well I advocate exactly the opposite - get rid of the Q&A (and maybe the Talent competition as well, unless you narrow it down to things such as “look how flexible I am” and “things I can do with my tongue”).  People are not watching your show to find the next Grace Hopper for chrissakes!  There is a reason there is no “MIT Women’s Doctoral Dissertations Pageant”!  In fact, for the sake of honesty in marketing, you should change the names of your pageants altogether.  “Miss America” should become the “Women You’d Like to Fuck but Not Date” Pageant.  “Miss Universe” should become the “Oh My Gawwwd Miss Brazil is Fucking Smoking!” Pageant* (see pic below).  The Miss Teen USA Pageant would be more aptly named the “Young Women That You’d Like to Fuck but Ssshhh We Can’t Speak of It Because Some of Them Are Illegal, and Yet We’re Parading Them on National TV in Fucking Bathing Suits So We Know You’re Fantasizing About It Right Now.  Don’t Lie.. You Lying Liar.. You’d Totally Hit That!”… Pageant.  As an aside, isn’t it interesting that the TV channel that puts 16-year-old girls in bikinis and has them do a little spin is the same channel that airs “Catch a Predator”?

I can’t stand bullshit (except that special brand where the purveyor of said bullshit knows that the purveyee knows it’s bullshit).  I happen to think most people don’t like being bullshitted.  Miss Whatever Pageants, quit bullshitting us!  You are purveyors of soft porn.  And sometimes “barely or not quite legal” soft porn.  Need proof?  After peaking in the late 80s, TV viewership of all the pageants is in precipitous decline.  Because the women don’t do the Q&A as well as they used to?  No.  Poor selections in eveningwear?  No.  Simple.. we’re all getting our porn elsewhere.  Skinamax…the internet… why would I want my porn punctuated by commercials and Bob Barker when I have all those choices??

So if you guys want to stay in business, you better fucking Know Thyself.  And your audience.  Because asking girls to find America on a map just isn’t gonna cut it anymore.

* I was totally not kidding about Miss Brazil.  Christ on a bike she’s hot!

Sprint has some gorgeous new spots airing right now for their “Ahead” campaign.  Check out the post over at Transbuddha to see the spots and learn a little about how they were made.  Evidently it’s an art style called “lightning doodle”, which was invented by the owners of a site called Pika Pika (I wouldn’t bother visiting it - the site is pretty lacking in info/nav).  Not a whole lot of detail on the process there - something having to do with lights, stop-motion, long-exposure photography, and fetal pig blood… I think.

Anyway, Sprint has latched onto the art form and built a website (above pic) and tv spots around it.  Just another example of web virals bleeding over into traditional media.  Now, if Sprint just spent a little less time filming art fags* running around with flashlights in a park, and a bit more time on delivering good customer service and a reliable network.. why hell, they just have a product worth buying.

I live in KC - the world headquarters for Sprint, and I hear their coverage still sucks (I ditched them years ago).  I do not claim to have any expertise regarding mobile phone business strategy.  But christ, I would think that a mobile network provider would at least want to ensure near-perfect coverage in the city of their World F’ing Headquarters.  I mean come on, that’s just a matter of pride.  If I were to advertise myself as a master landscape artist, you’d better believe I’d have a goddamned Miagi garden in my backyard.  “Holy shit!  Is that an indoor/outdoor koi pond?!”  “Yep.  Here’s my card.”

Oh and while we’re at it, let’s have a look at the KC-local Sprint advertising (right).  “Oh, I get it!  Kansas City is known for barbecue and barbecue has lots of sauce on it and I live in Kansas City!  Sprint is really appealing to me as a Kansas Citian!  Sprint gets me!”  Fucking retards.  

* I dig artists.  I have gay friends.  But damn it, “art fag” is such a funny term to me.  So indulge me.