Recently I posted on an ad by Toto - makers of the bidet-type-thingy called the Washlet - that was to run on a large billboard in Times Square.  It seems these asses did not sit well with the proprietors of Times Square Church - TSC’s preacher, Neil Rhodes has successfully gotten the ad pulled and a lawsuit is underway.

This makes absolutely no sense to me.  Hey Preacher, your church is in Times Fucking Square!  What the hell did you expect?!  You don’t want to see sensational ads?  Move your god-damned church to Tennessee!  As the article points out, there’s already a strip club right across the street for chrissakes!

And isn’t “cleanliness next to godliness” anyway?  Or should we now say, “cleanliness is right across the street from godliness”?  What possible beef do you have with a company promoting proper nether-region sanitation?

I think I know what this really comes down to.  Based upon all the news I’ve seen over the past few years, plus the recent $660 million dollar sex abuse settlement last week, it’s obvious to me that these naked asses are simply too much of a sexual temptation for the preachers of Times Square Church.  Preacher, I can help you through this: just remember that all those asses on the billboard belong to adults.  You guys prefer children, right?

Thanks to David for the find!

Okay, now that we’ve covered Washlet, let’s address those that don’t quite make it to the toilet.  Check out the latest ad for Serenity Male Guards.

This ad’s just too much.  I mean, you don’t even know what their advertising at first.. “Hmmm.. southern ‘Bad to the bone’-type music and a bike gang.. cool.. must be a Harley ad or something.  Wait a second.. that’s an old dude on that bike!  WTF?  ‘Bladder weakness’?!  Did the announcer just say “bladder weakness”?  What’s going on here?!  Now there’s a hot chick at a gas pump checking him out!  Run, girl!  He just pissed himself!  Is that a cod piece?  Huh?  Did he just pick up his grandkid while announcer guy’s talking about odor?  Jesus Christ, get me off this ride!”

I know what the company’s trying to do.  I get it.  I’m sure wetting your pants as an adult is an emasculating experience, and they want to downplay that vulnerability.  But come on!  You’re in a bike gang?  Don’t piss on me and tell me it’s raining, Grandpa!  No, seriously, Grandpa.  Don’t piss on me.

Drop the tough-guy act.  Instead, they should highlight the fact that the guy doesn’t yet need a full diaper.  “Serenity Male Guards - cuz hey, you haven’t shit your pants yet, right?  Things could be worse!”

Thanks to Stuart for the link.

Unreal.  Sweden has just become the first major* country to open an embassy in Second Life.

“The embassy is now open to the public and offers a smorgasbord of impressions to anyone interested in Sweden,” said the Swedish Institute, which was behind the project.  “The new embassy will employ about 100 of our country’s genetically flawless young men and women, allowing geeks and nerds to be rejected by hotties in an entirely new, virtual realm.”

Yeah, I made up the last bit.  I think it is absolutely insane how much buy-in Second Life is getting.  Large companies, from food/beverage to automotive, have set up elaborate shops.  And now, entire nations!  Granted, Second Life has close to 4.6 million users.  However, only about 1.6 million have actually logged in in the last 60 days (stats from March 2007).  I completely understand companies like game makers, the Sci-Fi Channel, et al being there, but Sweden?

* Maldives opened their Second Life embassy one week earlier.  Frickin’ Maldives!  What the hell is going on?!  Of course, considering the nation will probably be entirely underwater in 50 years, it might be a good move.  When chided about being beat out, a visibly pissed off Carl Bildt (Swedish Foreign Minister) responded, “They knew we were making an embassy, then quickly rushed to get theirs done first.  If you want my opinion, Maldives are a bunch of atolls!”  Hey-ooo!  Is this thing on?

When a friend of mine sent me a link to the Nutty Buddy, I thought he was alerting me to a new candy bar on the market, not a video of a man getting a 100 mph fastball to the groin.

Oh thank heavens.  Someone finally invented a piece of plastic to be worn over the groin so as to protect oneself during sports.  I will grant them this though - they win for most ridiculously-named cup.  And what other cup manufacturer out there also offers up “The Boys” as a socially acceptable way to simulate testicle fondulation in the workplace?

I’ve been a soccer goalkeeper for about 20 years now - I’ve had more kicks to the nuts than your most hardcore tamakeri fetishist.  And somehow my $5 cup has brought me through to reproductive age.  So, I don’t see much reason to spend $57 on one.

I think their better marketing angle is:  “See a hillbilly take a 100mph fastball to the groin for 25 cents”.  Now that will make some money.

Thanks to David G for the find.

Did I get your attention?  I would assume at least somewhat if you’re reading this.  Now, do you actually think cocaine is currently being stocked on retail store shelves?  I would guess that answer as “no”.  After all, you’re probably not a dumbshit - after all, you have impeccable tastes in blogs ;) .

Unfortunately, the Guardians of our Republic do think we’re dumbshits.  They have forced the makers of Cocaine energy drink to pull their product from the shelves.

Don’t get me wrong - I’m not a big fan of the name.  I think it’s kind of weak to tie your product to something illicit just for cheap shock value.  But did it merit being “warned” by the FDA?  Threats of legal action by Attorneys General?  Said Connecticut AG Richard Blumenthal, “Our goal is to literally flush Cocaine down the drain across the nation”, proving that one does not need to know the meaning of “literally” to pass the Bar exam in Connecticut. (btw, Blumenthal seems to have a nasty habit of skirting the law)

Yours and my tax dollars have funded the time and efforts of a bunch of govt assholes to basically bully a marketing campaign into pulling their product, despite the fact they couldn’t find one law that had been broken!  The best they could come up with is that it “glamourizes cocaine usage”.  Really.  I know young adults are, by definition, stupid, but I find it hard to believe that an energy drink - no matter the name - is going to be a “gateway” to anything more than a couple cavities.  Grand Theft Auto “glamourizes” stealing cars and beating up hookers; yet I haven’t seen an increase in auto theft, and my call girl still looks great!  (Kidding, Mom)

Left alone, Cocaine energy drink sales would have probably emulated its namesake - enjoying a quick high from the marketing buzz, then a nasty come-down once the fad-appeal wore off.  I doubt it would have lasted 3 years.  Now that they’ve changed their name to “Censored” and gained a rebel image, they could do quite well.

I guess to those of you marketing folks out there, watch your ass.  Our country has douchebags in high places… literally.

It’s the weekend, so let’s just keep it light, have a quick laugh and get out into the sun.  Now I’ve heard of “marketing yourself”, but Air Humping?  “Whassup, ladies.  My name is EnzoDeep, and I’m going to show you how well I can rock yo world.  By fucking an ottoman… in a room full of guys… who are also having sex with various living room accessories.”

I could not stop laughing (combined with fleeting sensations of extreme discomfort, like accidentally seeing your grandma naked.. which happened to me when I was 10.. still haunts me).

You gotta wonder how the dress rehearsal for this went down:

X2C: “So let me get this straight.  Relentless is fucking the ottoman, I’m hittin’-it-then-quittin’-it with the mirror, and Satisfaktion is tappin’ dat closet-door-ass?”

Relentless: “God damn it, X2C!  See? That’s why you should have been at practice on Monday!  You think I call practice just for fuck’s sake?  Wait… I suppose it is for fuck’s sake but you know what I mean!  Pipelayer is hooking up with the ottoman first.  And you are on the closet door.  But you’re not just “tappin’” it.  Make love to the door.  Pipelayer and myself will be fucking the shit out of the ottoman and mirror, so we’re counting on you to be a counterpoint and balance out the scene with some tenderness on that closet.  Got it?!”

Pipelayer:  “Guys…guys, there’s no need for us to get upset.  We’re all going to get to fuck some furniture today, right?”

Relentless:  “You’re right, broheim.  Sorry, X2C.  Tell you what.. let’s tag-team the ottoman at the end.  What’s our motto, guys?

All:  “Bros before lamps-and-couches-and-such!”

I could have fun with that conversation all day.  But let’s turn our attention to space.  Windows Vista and T-Mobile have launched a site called SkySurprise.com to promote their free wi-fi access ..um.. promotion.  ”Manufactured quirky” usually doesn’t work for me, but I have to admit I like their video - let’s do the Cosmonauty!

Air Sex found at Transbuddha