While trying to balance your hectic life as wife, mother, and enterprising businesswoman, how do you appease your insatiable appetite for Nando Chicken?  Patches just won’t do!  Try Nando Fix Gum!

This ad is at least 6 months old, but my god is this commercial awesome.  Reason #215 why Aussies are cooler than we are.

Nothing on the Adscape today, peoples.  But I thought I’d post a couple "food for thought" videos.  Some coworkers and I were discussing having kids this morning (well, not actually having the kids this morning… and not with each other obviously….you know what I meant).  I told him I plan on having 3 or 4, which was a shocker to him.  Seemed like such a big family.  And that illustrates a theory I’ve had for quite awhile - that the human race is getting dumber.  Think about it - I’m 33, good job, believe in proper fitness, educated and all that.  No kids yet.  My coworker is 23ish, so plenty of time there.  Smart, good job, etc.  Three or four kids seems outrageous to him.  Sounds like he’s going for 0-2.  Meanwhile, the lowest socioeconomic classes are popping out babies like there’s no tomorrow.  Smart people are being outbred!

I’ve harbored this notion for quite some time.  And it turns out I’m not the only one.  Check out a great vid from one of my favorite bands - Evolution by Korn.  And then a clip from the movie, Idiocracy, demonstrating the same point.

So, yeah, that’s why I’m having 4 kids.  Hell, maybe even more.  Until sterilization programs* are back in place, the smart people of the world must unite (in the biblical sense)!

Have a good weekend!

*Calm down!  Just temporary sterility.  If you can’t afford to properly raise a child, you shouldn’t be allowed to have one.

I am very hesitant to ever say the phrase "That is the most {adjective} {noun} I have ever {sensory verb}!!"  You know - "funkiest song I’ve ever heard!!", "hottest girl I’ve ever seen!!", etc.

I don’t even mitigate such sentences with "might" or "could" as a general rule.  But I am telling you right now, this French commercial for Orangina might be the most fucked-up-crazy advertisement I’ve ever seen!!"  (I’m posting this at great risk of becoming the #1 Ad-blog destination for Furries the world over.)

Oh, to have been an anthropomorphized, dancing fig-leaf-wearing fly-on-the-wall when the ad execs pitched this to Orangina:

Ad Exec:  Ok, so we open up in a forest with a doe on a swing, with a tremendous rack.

Client:  Female deer don’t have racks.

AE:  No, I mean tits.  Great tits.

C:  What?  The deer has -?

AE:  - And then this bear takes her Orangina and she, like, falls into these rose petals, just like in American Beauty!

C:  Umm.. o…kay…

AE:  Boom!  We’re now in a forest strip club!  Flamingoes and octopus women are dancing on poles while the bear and his friends look on.  Lap dances ensue.

C:  Wait, what?!  Flamingoes and octopuses are -

AE:  With great tits!

C:  What?

AE:  The flamingo and octopus girls.  They have great tits, too!  In fact, just assume that all the female creatures in this scenario have great tits unless I specify otherwise.  So anyway, the deer does a little burlesque show capped off by that one FlashDance scene where Jennifer Beals does the bucket of water thing.

(one of the female clients gets up and leaves)

Dancing!  General mayhem!  Girl zebras riding Orangina bottles ’til their raw make their caps explode, getting the wet, sticky stuff everywhere!  An octopus-girl squeezes her orangey-tits and looks heavenward in orgasmic delight!

C:  …

AE:  {jazz hands} Orangina! 

C:  Call your coke-dealer.  We’re hitting the strip clubs.

Seriously though, mouth-dropping strangeness aside, it really is a beautifully done advertisement.  The concept is out of this fucking world; the artistry is top-notch.  I will never understand this ad.  But I love it!  And if you, fair visitor, happen to be the creative director behind this gem, I have got to party with your crew some weekend!

And for you loyal readers who indulged me this far, check out the commercial in Hi-Def!

A “tip of the hat and wag of the finger” (as Stephen Colbert would say) to Heineken’s new DraughtKeg ad with the robot girl dispensing beer.  First, the accolades:  this commercial has all the right stuff - a nice cold keg of good (well, decent) beer, techno music, eery lighting effects, and a hot robot chick that can turn herself into multiple hot robot chicks… Heineken just did a 30 second trailer for my ideal wedding night!

Which is why I got a bit pissed at Heineken when I got to the liquor store.  Turns out, they are only selling the keg part of the whole robot girl contraption.  This is false advertising!  Heineken, listen up:  send me my self-replicating hot techno robot bride or you’ll be hearing from my lawyers.

In case you missed it, check out the magically stereotypical and appropriate response of Miss South Carolina on the “Miss US Americans the Iraq no maps and Stuff” Pageant earlier this week.

Do I mention this because I wish to further her humiliation?  No.  Because it’s funny?  No… well, yes.  But that’s only part of it.  No, I bring it up as a reprimand to the pageants themselves.  Miss Fill-in-the-Blank Pageant, you should be ashamed of yourself!  Asking these young women to be cerebral - women who have dedicated their entire lives to mastering “no, this is not a fake smile, I’m genuinely happy!” and “tits and ass-cheek taping” technologies - is nothing less than inhumane!

Get real, guys.  I know there has been outcry in the past to get rid of the evening gown and swimsuit competitions because they are “sexist”.  Well I advocate exactly the opposite - get rid of the Q&A (and maybe the Talent competition as well, unless you narrow it down to things such as “look how flexible I am” and “things I can do with my tongue”).  People are not watching your show to find the next Grace Hopper for chrissakes!  There is a reason there is no “MIT Women’s Doctoral Dissertations Pageant”!  In fact, for the sake of honesty in marketing, you should change the names of your pageants altogether.  “Miss America” should become the “Women You’d Like to Fuck but Not Date” Pageant.  “Miss Universe” should become the “Oh My Gawwwd Miss Brazil is Fucking Smoking!” Pageant* (see pic below).  The Miss Teen USA Pageant would be more aptly named the “Young Women That You’d Like to Fuck but Ssshhh We Can’t Speak of It Because Some of Them Are Illegal, and Yet We’re Parading Them on National TV in Fucking Bathing Suits So We Know You’re Fantasizing About It Right Now.  Don’t Lie.. You Lying Liar.. You’d Totally Hit That!”… Pageant.  As an aside, isn’t it interesting that the TV channel that puts 16-year-old girls in bikinis and has them do a little spin is the same channel that airs “Catch a Predator”?

I can’t stand bullshit (except that special brand where the purveyor of said bullshit knows that the purveyee knows it’s bullshit).  I happen to think most people don’t like being bullshitted.  Miss Whatever Pageants, quit bullshitting us!  You are purveyors of soft porn.  And sometimes “barely or not quite legal” soft porn.  Need proof?  After peaking in the late 80s, TV viewership of all the pageants is in precipitous decline.  Because the women don’t do the Q&A as well as they used to?  No.  Poor selections in eveningwear?  No.  Simple.. we’re all getting our porn elsewhere.  Skinamax…the internet… why would I want my porn punctuated by commercials and Bob Barker when I have all those choices??

So if you guys want to stay in business, you better fucking Know Thyself.  And your audience.  Because asking girls to find America on a map just isn’t gonna cut it anymore.

* I was totally not kidding about Miss Brazil.  Christ on a bike she’s hot!

Awhile back, a Belgian senate candidate named Tania Derveaux caused quite a media stir by making a campaign promise: she was going to give 40,000 blowjobs to random men who signed up at her website.

Well, like most campaign promises of politicians, she didn’t deliver (why yes, I did sign up).  However, it did get me on the Derveaux mailing list, where I found out about her latest project, called Intellectual Porn.  The byline is “a movie about love, friendship, and other deep shit”.  Awesome.

More from the site:

IP will be a revolutionary cinematic experience. It will be real porn of an intellectual and profoundly meaningful level. It will break all porn taboos and make porn accessible to family audiences.

IP will do to porn what The Matrix did to action movies. And the whole movie will be free for everyone to download.

“Porn accessible to family audiences.”  Have I mentioned I’m totally in love with this chick? 

Anyway, there’s an open casting call for her IP partner.  And after looking at the submissions so far, I gotta say, the field’s wide open.  There was only one submission that was remotely good, but not for the intended reasons.  Be sure to pay attention to the 1:11 mark.  “Ooh, Tania, look at zis body.  I’m going to make sweet, sweet - Mommm!”

This is a slight diversion from normal Adchops fare, but sometimes I read something interesting enough that I feel the need to share it.  Men’s Health online currently has a very good article about desire and pleasure, called The Addicted Man.

In a way, it really does apply to the advertising world.  There’s of course the obvious correlation - advertising is all about creating desire - manufacturing want.  But it’s deeper than that.  Advertising folks aren’t like accountants.  The goals of marketing campaigns bleed over into the lives of their creators.  Yes, advertising certainly has its element of self-important douchebaggery, but the industry certainly does have its sex appeal.  It’s a fast-paced, keep-up-with-what’s-new industry that often calls to a certain element attracted to that lifestyle.  More than once I’ve been asked to come out with clients to show them the local sites; by the end of the night, “local sites” invariably ended up meaning Candy’s tits and ass in your face at a local strip club.  Advertising can be a sexy, hedonistic, depraved world.  And I loved every minute of it. :)

We are all addicted.  Don’t think that because you are not drinking at 10am or doing rails of blow off a stripper’s ass, you are entitled to judge.  Sitting down in front of a TV every night is addiction.  Eating another Big Mac when your fat ass is already 30 pounds overweight is an addiction. Nightly Bible Study? Addiction.  The Addicted Man is a well-written, insightful article into what makes us all tick.

I’m not sure how I feel about this one - it’s Trojan’s “Evolve” campaign. 

I mean, I like the ad.  And I wouldn’t doubt that it resonates with many women as well.  But I think when a woman says “men are pigs”, they’re probably referring to them trying to get laid, making sexist remarks, etc.  I truly doubt it’s a condom issue.

So we’ve got Pig at the bar, chatting up a woman.  Eyes glued to the chest, buying her a drink, or ten, telling her what he’s going to do to her tonight.  And then he goes into the men’s room and buys a rubber from a wall dispenser.  Now he’s a tit-oggling, suggestive date-rapist with a condom!  Go get him, ladies!

Thanks to Stuart for the link.

Durex has a great campaign going on right now with their “ProposeTheRing.com”.  Great commercial and website tie-in.  As to how good the product is, don’t know.  Mine are on order… but this isn’t a product review site anyway. :)

Ads from the contraceptive and sex toy industry must be a lot of fun to make.  I mean, with other products (Eclipse gum, anyone?), ad agencies must always weigh their desires to go a bit risque against the possible backlash from the “Moral Majority” - you know, the ones responsible for our young men and women dying in Iraq, US refusal to sign the Kyoto protocol, and our crushing national budget deficit - the “good, values-centered” people of this great nation.

Fortunately, the sex industry is free from this worry.  “Good, values-centered” women probably have husbands who also ”walk in His Light”, which means strapping on a vibrating cock ring is out of the question.  (This massive wave of sexual frustration throughout our Heartland and South probably explains why these women are waiting for their treasures in the next life, eh?)

The ProposeTheRing.com website is really well done and worth a look.  On the one hand you have this classy looking design with your typical blue-blood-diamond-commercial classical music in the background.  Juxtaposed to that, though, is this ridiculous-sounding guy (Gunther the Tra-la-la guy?) making smarmy comments as you click.  Oh yeah, and the site’s about a cock ring.  So I suppose that might serve to “juxtapose” as well.  Bringing it all together is some brilliantly done copy.

I unfortunately can’t find a digital version of the ad.  If anyone has it, please send.  However, I did find a stand-in that will serve a dual purpose.  I’m in hopes that it not only stands in for the ProposeTheRing one (the two are actually quite similar), but also serve as evangelist-repellant.  This site has unfortunately become a bit infested as of late.  I really don’t know why.  So I’m hoping this much more over-the-top ad and pics of cock rings will serve as a sort of “Deep Woods Off”!

Tania Derveaux wants your vote for (Belgian) Senate.  No, I mean really wants your vote..

Upon hearing a challenger promise 400,000 new jobs for Belgium once elected, Ms. Derveaux called “bullshit” and opted to make her own outrageous claim: forty thousand blowjobs over the course of 500 days.  Outstanding!  Obviously a joke, but I’ll give her credit for “selling” the fantasy with an official “Terms of {ahem} ’service’ “ page, which may go down as the funniest TOS I’ve ever read (just an excerpt follows):

Description of Services
The Services consist of Tania performing fellatio on selected individuals who have requested the Services through this form. Travel and other expenses will be covered by NEE…  We adhere to high standards of service but due to time limitations each performance can last no longer than 5 minutes, no exceptions will be made under any circumstance.

General Requirements and Rules of Conduct

Any attempt to influence the depth of insertion by the user will
result in immediate end of service

Tania may deny service for hygiene reasons

 

Now, apart from the inherent and timeless Coolness of a beautiful woman offering blowjobs for votes, I have to commend the printwork of her entire campaign.  Some really provocative (no, not just sexually), artistic pics.  See here for the full, high-res collection.

Beautiful, funny, artistic, politically savvy, and probably has one hell of a sexy accent - I would sooo marry this girl…well, assuming the “40,000 blowjobs” thing is a joke.  I mean, talk about awkwardness at company picnics:

Me:  “Rick, I’d like you to meet my wife–”

Rick: “Tania!!  How are you?!  Congratulations on your win!”

Tania: “Rick..Rick.. oh yeah!  “30,145″!  Good to see you!”

Btw, anyone who knows me or has even read a few posts on this site does not even have to wonder as to whether or not I signed up for a blowie.  I’ll be sure to keep you updated on fulfillment of the TOS.

Found at AdRants