I’m sure she’d be ok with the regular phone with bigger buttons, but if I gave that 3-button jobby to my grandmother, she would probably beat me with it.  Then toss me the phone and say "Just press the bottom button, dear!  Jiiiitterbug!"

My grandma is closing in on 80, and she seems to be doing just fine on her plain ol’, standard issue "young people’s" model (my quotes, not what she calls it).  I mean, am I the only one that finds this phone and ad a little demeaning?  And I truly love this: they top it off with older folks (a lot of them don’t even look all that old!) in the commercial being stereotypically crotchety.  "And it’s not bogged down with a gazillion features like those other phones!  Finally, a simple, fairly useless phone to match my simple, fairly useless mind!"   I mean, come on!  No one?  I can’t speak for my future, 80-year-old self, but I would be pissed! 

With the artistic help of a friend, I’ve decided to really dispense with the bullshit and bring Jitterbug’s point home to the senior citizenry.  I present you the Jitterbug Adchops model:

Now hurry up and die already!

  If you wear a Bluetooth earpiece, you look like a Complete and Massive Tool.

This is not my opinion.  This not even the opinion of millions.  This is just fact.  There are no exceptions to this rule.  "Oh but mine’s really small and stylish."  No.  It is neither of those things.  And the fact that it’s blinking like you’re bringing in a fucking plane does not help.  "But it is so convenient!  I need it for my work."  Ok, granted.  It may be convenient.  Ripping a huge, pew-shaking fart during a funeral service is also convenient.  But you know what?  I’m going to resist that urge out of a general sense of decorum.

Do I have the right to pass gas during the death of a loved one?  I most certainly do.  I choose not to.  Do you have the right to keep that Bluetooth earpiece in during a day at the ballpark, on a date, or while salsa-dancing (I have seen all of these)?  Of course you do.  I am merely proposing that you give it pause for thought, and choose another way.

Let me return to the "Exceptions" point above.  You may think that you are "pulling off" the look.  Or perhaps you have fooled yourself into the notion, "Well, despite what people say now, they’ll be wearing one in a couple years, which will elevate me to the ranks of ‘cutting edge early adopter".  No.  And no.  No one pulls off the look.  I have included here a picture of what I consider the creme de la creme of female hotness - multiple Asian women in their early 20s.  Human beauty gets no better than this, in my own opinion (yes, this is an opinion.  The fact that you look like a Tool is still fact).  So am I looking at these Bluetoothed beauties and thinking how hot they look rockin’ the earpiece?  No, I’m thinking, "Wow how I’d like to have sex with them, in spite of them looking like complete tools."

And you are probably not as hot as they are.  No, pick any one of the other pictures in this post.  That is what you look like.  Hell, I even included another pic of a girl that’s fairly cute.  Look how ridiculous she looks!  Is this sinking in yet?

As to the other point, about being "the cutting edge early adopter".  Nope.  To the left, please note a cutting edge early adopter of the cell phone.  Pretty retarded, huh?  That’s you, Bluetooth Earpiece Wearer.  This is how the rest of us are looking at you.  Except everything’s happening faster now… it took us 10 years to look back at those phones and say, "Wow!  That was gay!"  We’re more savvy now… we’re calling you gay now.

So again, this is not an angry post. And this is no judgment on who you are during all those times you’re not wearing your earpiece. Hell, my best friend has one (and he’s a good father, good husband.. stand-up guy). And I tell him he looks like a Complete and Massive Tool everytime I see him with it. Which he ignores… which means whenever we’re in public and he has it in, I’m just a couple steps farther from him…probably some subconscious fear that the Toolness can be caught, like an airborne virus.

No, this is not malicious. Merely a PSA - If you own a Bluetooth earpiece and wear it in public, you look like a Complete and Massive Tool.  As I’ve caveated, a select small percentage of you may qualify as Complete and Massive Tools I’d Like to Fuck - or CaMTILFs - but one does not exclude the other (see Diagram 1).

The choice is yours.

So, we have 3 levels of hypocrisy at work here, we’ll call them.. oh I don’t know.. how about "solo", "doppio", and "venti".

Solo:  Dunkin Donuts has always sold coffee, as far as I know.  But until now, that coffee has basically been swill.  And they have been extremely content in serving you that swill.  ‘Cause hey, whatcha gonna do, go somewhere else?… Oh shit!  They’re going somewhere else!  Yes, along come the coffee shops with their expensive coffees and espresso drinks.  And Dunkin Donuts (and McDonald’s, etc) were still content to sell you their swill… until the American public was shirking the swill and drinking lattes and mochas and frappaccinos (sp?) in droves.  So what do ya know!  Dunkin Donuts decides they want to be in the "high-brow, pretentious" coffee market, too!  But let’s make fun of it at the same time!

 Doppio:  Guess what, Dunkin Donuts.  America didn’t invent mochas and lattes.  I know what you’re thinking, DD!  But didn’t America invent everything?  I had to do some Wikipedia research on this, but evidently we didn’t.  So yeah, those pretentious coffeeshops elected to call the drinks by their original names.  I know!  UnAmerican!  But Dunkin’s here to save the day.  Oh, they’ll be happy to profit off these foreign imports, but by God they’re not going to have us speaking no "forin" language like Fritalian {nasal phlegm clearing sound, adjust belt buckle}!  So, gone are those foreign words like mocha and latte, to be replaced with…

Venti: … Mocha and Latte!!  Yep!  I mean, I’m sure they tried a couple more patriotic, home-grown names.  Maybe "Concentrated, Small Shot of Coffee with Milk".  "Milkoffee".  Maybe even "AM Gogo Juice Dairy Blaster" or some shit.  But ya know, "latte" and "mocha" are pretty catchy!  And as it turns out, people’s mouths can form those words.  So despite, all their Fritalian hatin’, they’re drinking a big ol’ Venti helping of the foreign kool-aid.  Oh, and DD.. what exactly is a Tropicana Coolatta?!  My mouth can’t form that word, and my brain doesn’t want to.  And my hand wants to slap you.

Now that I’ve had my rant, I will credit where credit is due.  Some awesome mofo on the ad production team decided to slip a drink onto the menu called the "Himan Plu Cento".  As much as it pains me to say anything good about this stupid fucking commercial, that drink name is absolutely awesome!  If I ever own a coffeeshop, that drink will be on my menu.  If any of you have ideas as to the ingredients, please leave them in the Comments.

Seacrest out.

First, a little back-story.  Clear last July, I posted an article on a little something called Silpada jewelry.  It’s basically a multi-level-marketing deal where women (and, I guess, a few fully emasculated men) throw parties in which their friends come over and are coerced into buying silver, turquoise, and coral products of debatable fashion sense.  Yes, ladies, I’m going to continue rattling those cages - deal with it.

Anyway, I wrote the post with a bit of a point to make but mostly in good fun, as should be evident by the mention of vampires and "gays and shrimp".  And further, I didn’t expect that many people to read the damn thing.  But lo and behold, the higher-ups at Silpada Hive Central must have search engine optimization skills that are directly proportional to their taste in jewelry - my tiny blog climbed to #3 on the search term, "Silpada"!

So, I now have loads of women searching for "Silpada" in Google and hitting my site.  And probably a few men - if you are one of those men, allow me to suggest you rummage through your wife’s purse and see if you can’t find your balls that she’s obviously taken from you.  Now, it’s not enough that these women and quasi-men are hitting my site.  Oh no, I’m really pissing some of them off and, by God, they’re going to tell me about it!  I believe we’re around 160 comments at present.  The subject matter has ranged from discussions on Silpada silver quality, to civic duty, to questions into my sexual preference, to the Hawaiian Monk Seal.. and most recently a war between the Lia Sophia and Silpada MLM Jewelry camps.

I highly recommend going through the comments section for a good laugh sometime.  But to the point:  lately there’s been a bit of a cat fight.  Pretty much in good fun, but ya know, once a woman accuses another woman of being 500 lbs…well, the silver medallions and Wilma Flintstone necklaces come off!  It’s a throw-down!  So, I had the two ladies at war send me pics to prove their lack of 500 pound-ness.

I will confess to the assumption that no women of Silpada could have any sex appeal (well, at least for a shallow Hal like me that chases younger women with rockin’ bodies).  But alas, a commenter by the name of Christy has "reprazented"!  Very hot indeed.  If she gives permission, I’ll let you all see for yourself.

The Lia Sophia side has produced their own champion, in a girl named "Mystery" (name not to be confused with that douchebag on that Pickup Artist show).  However!  As Mystery has herself admitted, she is not a rep for Lia Sophia!  Her mother is!  So, I must disqualify her as an official "Lia Sophia model".

So we have two dilemmas - on the Silpada side, I’m still thinking Christy’s hotness was just a turn of luck for the Silpada camp.  And as for Lia Sophia, they are still unrepresented.  Mystery represented well, but I simply can’t accept the entry if she’s not a rep.

So, will anyone accept the call to arms?  Many women on this blog have talked tough on their jewelry decisions, but few have actually put forth proof!  Pick your side, put on your favorite jewelry pieces, and send a pic! (”Contact the Author” at the bottom of this page)  Preferably in a state of partial-to-full nakedness. (I’m kidding!  I’m kidding!**).  If I get enough entries, I’ll create "Women of Silpada" and "Women of Lia Sophia" calendars.  Profits will go toward breast cancer research….and ball retrieval services for the men (men: no picture send-ins necessary, thank you).

**not really.. that would be awesome.

Yeah, this isn’t in any way related to advertising, but my god is it classic - a brown finch completely pwned a local news reporter right as he was reporting on those same birds!  I mean, calculate the odds on this:  what are the odds of having a bird crap in one’s open mouth?  Pretty damned slim.  Now, of that small percentage, the odds that this person’s occupation is a tv news reporter?  Vanishingly small.  Now, of all the time this reporter spends doing the various activities of his daily life, what are the odds of this reporter eating bird shit while on the air live?!  Ridiculously fractionally small percentage.  And then the clincher!  Person, who happens to be a tv reporter, who happens to be broadcasting live, getting a dollop of bird crap in the mouth while doing a story on those same birds??!!

I mean, come on folks.  That’s just sheer awesomeness!  Ponder on such wonders of nature and probability as you enjoy your weekend!

 Bud Light just nails it, ad after ad (Swear Jar, anyone?).  Down to every detail - the dog with the slightly "proper British" accent, the facial expressions of the owner.. just awesome.

As I’ve said before, Bud Light has delivered so many great ads, I am almost compelled to buy their miserable-tasting swill just to say "Thank You"…. almost. In fact, Bud Light, I promise you this: next good commercial I see and I will buy a 24 pack of your product. I will probably then give it away to strangers and immediately purchase some good German brew.. but it’s the thought that counts, right? In fact, I’ll up the ante. While we’re on the subject of sports and marketing, I just went over to the Phoenix Suns new virtual locker room thingy. I’m digging it, but if you could convince them to get rid of the fucking ape and replace it with Sausage Dog, hell, I’ll throw a party and stock it with Bud Light kegs. Get to it, Bud Light brass!

btw, my server’s getting killed by you all right now, so my apologies if there’s a bit of delay in the load

So, I’m cruising through "Most Viewed" the other day and stumble upon this Japanese chick.  All she does is flirt with the goddamn camera for 40 seconds.  Forty seconds of staring at a fucking camera, and she gets half a million hits!  Anyway, I decided to take a piss.  So, enjoy "Japanese attention whore", followed by my dramatic recreation of said attention whore.  Have a good weekend.

Hope to post up some more love in the next few!

Silverman has his enemies, but he attributes his quick ascent at least in part to his wide network of friends. He boasts that he has completely merged his personal and professional lives. "Having relationships with talent is key. I like actors, writers, and directors — they’re people I want to hang out with. They read, they’re cultured, they travel. None of the other network heads do this."  (yes.. they’re busy kicking your ass)

Tonight’s massive schmoozefest is ideally tailored to Silverman… But Ben Silverman is unimpressed. "This is nothing, man… last night…" He’s referring to the private gathering he hosted with some nightclub promoters at a mansion in the Hollywood Hills…The formal party featured bikini-clad girls dancing on rafts in the pool, the Hilton sisters, and a caged white tiger in the entryway. "It was sick," says Silverman, who greeted his six hundred guests in a silver Dolce & Gabbana suit and shut the place down around 5:30 a.m. "You looked around and saw so many beautiful women. But then you looked closer and it’s like, Hey, that’s Molly Sims. See what I mean? Just a totally sick party."

"The industry hasn’t seen an executive like me in a long time," Silverman says. "Traditionally, development executives rise through a specific subsection of the TV business — prime time, network, scripted programming. They’re basically D-girls," he says, using the derogatory industry slang for cute young development execs with little power. "That’s what [ABC Entertainment president] Steve McPherson is, that’s what [Fox Entertainment president] Kevin Reilly is. That’s bad vernacular, but they’re all D-girls."

Contrast this bravado with an article sent to me this morning, how NBC is refunding advertisers for uncharacteristically shitty ratings performance.  Keep in mind that NBC has been sucking the bottom of the big network pond for a little while now, so for them to be sucking in a new, uncharacteristic way, well that’s some tip-top management there!  Good job, Ben. In an environment where industry insiders already expect you to suck, you have over-achieved and found a way that completely caught ‘em all off guard!

Ben, quick tip:  talking the way you talk makes you a fucking dick.  Even if your network was far and away #1, you’re still a dick. So, well done on that one.  However, when you talk the way you talk - what with your "complete merging of personal and professional lives" and your rival "D-girls" - while your network sits in last place, sucking the tail-pipes of the other networks… well, Ben, that just makes you look like a fool and a Schmuck*.

*Shmuck:  That portion of one’s penis which is cut off during circumcision,a Yiddish term.  You’re already a dick, Ben.  And if you don’t fix your shit, be assured they’ll be throwing you away just like your namesake.

Anyway, confusion of what’s being sold aside, the commercial is stellar.  Kudos on the authenticity of the "NFL Films announcer guy", and for a great acting job by the grandma.  I absolutely hate ads where they try to use cute babies to push product, but for some reason I love it when they use cute ol’ grannies.  I prefer to have logical consistency in most things… haven’t sorted this one out yet.  Any hypotheses are welcome. :)